Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.

   In a stunning display of maturity, Kid Rock announces he is changing his name to Adult Contemporary.

   We all lose if CBS doesn't film the next Survivor aboard a Carnival Cruise Ship.

   Ladies, if you get in an argument with a guy and you have no chance of winning, start playing with your boobs. Trust me on this one.

   A walk of shame is always sad. Don't make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

   Helpful hint: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.

   You know as soon as my ''Swear Jar'' gets full, I'm going to use the money to get a Fking Puppy!!!

   It may appear like I'm doing nothing, but i'm actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!

   Oh I'm sorry, I forgot I only exist when you need something!

   People with full heads of hair that complain about grey hairs make me sick. It's like complaining that your Lamborghini gets terrible gas mileage.

   Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!

   Did you mean ASK or axe? 'Cause seriously, one is a murder weapon.

   According to the employee handbook, I'm only require to show up sober. It doesn't say I can't drink once I get here.

   Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue.

   Relax. If the Mayans were good at predicting the future, there would still be Mayans.

   I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

   Nothing says 'I dont take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

   'Put that down you fat piece of sh*t' - the title of the dieting book I'm writing.

   My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they're like "It wasn't that hard"

   Just bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.