Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear CocaCola, McDonalds, and other massive companies, unless you have a new product for me, stop showing me commercials. I didn't forget about you. I have never stood at a vending machine and thought, what's that thing in the red can? I promise.

   hoorah to navy seal team 6 for taking out public enemy #1. any chance we can send these guys after whoever is setting the gas prices?

   Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records.

   Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, a lot of which you really don't want to see.

   After I was born the Doctor had to slap my ass to get me breathing, I was so pissed after that I didn't speak to anyone for almost two years

   Congressman Anthony Weiner just announced he will run for President and has selected Attorney General Eric Holder as his Vice-Presidential running mate. "Weiner-Holder in 2012."

   do me a favor if someone tells you they don't like me , tell them I don't like them either.

   The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst - So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

   thinking that now the Government of Egypt has banned all internet traffic, do we just call it Gypt?

   I'm developing a hand sanitizer that only kills the 00.01% of germs that the others can't kill. I'm going to make a fortune! : )

   Hi welcome to Hollister, Would you like a flashlight?

   Some people make me understand why monkeys throw their poo.

   How to Stop Cyber Bullying: 1. Close your laptop 2. You Win!!

   There is nothing better than waking up to morning sex, unless you wake up in prison.

   That annoying moment when two people start a conversation on YOUR Facebook status.

   According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!

   If your day ends in pizza, you have nothing to complain about :D

   Today I connected all the freckles on my arm with a Sharpie. It spells out RIKSHAZ9LIRK. Clearly I am The Chosen One.

   If a girl gets a free drink, it doesn't mean she'll be interested, it'll only mean "YAAY FREE DRINK!!"

   Be careful when it comes to reincarnation…. one time I asked to be a singer and I spent 30 years as a sewing machine.