Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinking that now the Government of Egypt has banned all internet traffic, do we just call it Gypt?

   I'm developing a hand sanitizer that only kills the 00.01% of germs that the others can't kill. I'm going to make a fortune! : )

   Hi welcome to Hollister, Would you like a flashlight?

   Some people make me understand why monkeys throw their poo.

   How to Stop Cyber Bullying: 1. Close your laptop 2. You Win!!

   There is nothing better than waking up to morning sex, unless you wake up in prison.

   That annoying moment when two people start a conversation on YOUR Facebook status.

   Don't ask me stupid questions and I won't hurt your stupid feelings.

   Hey Guys, I don't have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.

   So I've never done cocaine, but I have a question. Why do people do it in the bathroom? If you were doing a drug that you had to sniff really hard to do, isn't someplace where people poop not the ideal place?

   I am the undefeated champion of this"smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don't-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day" game

   YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I'm watching how to make ice cream.

   When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.

   I'm not afraid that the world is going to end.... I'm afraid that it isn't going to change....

   My doctor is getting REALLY tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.

   Do you brush your teeth without making a mess like in the commercials bause I usually look like I have minty fresh rabies.

   Dating Tip: If she hasn't kissed you by the third date, she's there for the food.

   I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

   Yes,,, The bathrooms by the pool are a nice touch but completely unnecessary.

   I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."