Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am the undefeated champion of this"smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don't-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day" game

   YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I'm watching how to make ice cream.

   When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.

   Don't ask me stupid questions and I won't hurt your stupid feelings.

   Hey Guys, I don't have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.

   So I've never done cocaine, but I have a question. Why do people do it in the bathroom? If you were doing a drug that you had to sniff really hard to do, isn't someplace where people poop not the ideal place?

   I'm not afraid that the world is going to end.... I'm afraid that it isn't going to change....

   My doctor is getting REALLY tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.

   Do you brush your teeth without making a mess like in the commercials bause I usually look like I have minty fresh rabies.

   Dating Tip: If she hasn't kissed you by the third date, she's there for the food.

   I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

   Yes,,, The bathrooms by the pool are a nice touch but completely unnecessary.

   I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."

   When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.

   In a stunning display of maturity, Kid Rock announces he is changing his name to Adult Contemporary.

   Ladies, if you get in an argument with a guy and you have no chance of winning, start playing with your boobs. Trust me on this one.

   A walk of shame is always sad. Don't make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

   Helpful hint: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.

   We all lose if CBS doesn't film the next Survivor aboard a Carnival Cruise Ship.

   "Life is NOT like a box of chocolates, it's more like jar of jalapenos- what you do TODAY can burn your ass TOMORROW!