Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the US government shutdown affected alcohol or internet porn they’d have it fixed by tomorrow morning...

   Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.

   I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow

   I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.

   I think before we give the government any more money, they need to start showing us some receipts.

   Why don't we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?

   My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed. Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

   You're in your 20's... you don't have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying".

   Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

   Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!

   I wonder how long I'd be on hold if my call wasn't important to them..

   Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes for 8.2 seconds if he is attracted to her, 4.5 seconds if he is not, and 0.0 seconds if she's a C-cup or above

   Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark, isn't it?

   The "Reply All" button should be password protected.

   hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, freak. My dog is getting married

   I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs

   You know your'e getting old when you think an XBOX is where you keep your divorce papers.

   There should be a statute of limitations on how long a person gets to blame their crappy childhood for their shortcomings.

   say's never go to a Doctor whose plants are dead in the waiting room!

   thinks single-ply toilet paper should be a human rights violation.