Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can no longer "drop it like it's hot", so I "squat like it's warm".

   Dear Starbucks and gas stations...it isn't a competition to see who can charge more.

   If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out.

   if I ever win the lottery the first thing I'm gonna do is hire a priest, a rabbi and a minister to walk into bars with me

   A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

   Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting's titty, not ok. Apparently.

   I'm opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint. I really think my "Whites Only!" restaurant idea will be a hit!

   If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

   If the US government shutdown affected alcohol or internet porn they’d have it fixed by tomorrow morning...

   Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.

   I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow

   I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.

   I think before we give the government any more money, they need to start showing us some receipts.

   Why don't we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?

   My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed. Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

   You're in your 20's... you don't have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying".

   Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

   Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!

   I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs

   I wonder how long I'd be on hold if my call wasn't important to them..