Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down.

   Most common lie used by women.... "I dont usually do this the first night"

   I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what you understand.

   Did you know that if you drive past the first drive thru window your food is free?

   I hate when people see me at the super market & the're like "Hey what you doing here?" & I'm just like "Oh you know hunting zebras"

   I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, I'm going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.

   Just joined the support group Hokey pokey Anonymous ..A place to turn yourself around..***

   Two things define your Personality, The way you manage things when you have nothing. The way you behave when you have everything.

   "When I was your age, I lost my tooth. Not my virginty"

   My wife and I have are talking about renewing our vows. Or as I like to call it, getting a double life sentence.

   The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don't check their phone for 3 hours.

   I thought about joining the neighborhood watch... But my neighbors just aren't that attractive.

   Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.

   Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends

   kiss me I'm Irish, and slip me some tongue cause I think there's a lil french in there too

   I'm living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people! Respect it!

   Most people like to say living the dream, I perfer to say surviving the nightmare.

   If the government would charge a 3% stupidity tax on themselves alone, they could pay off the national debt in no time..

   Twitter account ✔ Facebook ✔ Google Plus ✔ Youtube ✔ Messenger✔ Skype ✔ "Dude do you have a life?" "OMG!! No, send me the link!" :P

   ❒Single ❒Taken ✔ Unable to find love because my standards have been set unrealistically high after mentally dating a celebrity.