Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ''Please punch in your account number, phone number,and the last four digits of your social security, so I can transfer you so they can ask you for those same numbers again!''

   Many women say a guy who makes them laugh is all they want. They fail to mention all the things it takes to put them in the mood to laugh.

   ..... Geez ...... those movie critics in the Middle East are a tough crowd....

   Kanye West would be proud of the amount of times the two candidates interrupted each other tonight.

   I don't like morning people...or mornings...or people.

   I called my doctor and told her I have an erection that's lasted longer than 4 hours. We're meeting for drinks in 30 minutes.

   Every scary movie, for the rest of our lives, needs a scene explaining why no one has their cell phone.

   Santa is really going to love the cookies he gets from Colorado and Washington this year..

   My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. “I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide.”

   I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.

   Scientists plan to clone a woolly mammoth and bring the prehistoric creature back to life. I sure don't see what could go wrong there.

   I've finally collected enough rats asses to give to everyone on my list.

   I've spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down.

   I often wonder what tomatoes did to make the other fruits disown them and force them to live as vegetables.

   If cinderella's shoe really did fit perfectly, then why exactly did it fall off in the first place?

   Most common lie used by women.... "I dont usually do this the first night"

   I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what you understand.

   Did you know that if you drive past the first drive thru window your food is free?

   Why is that girls in tamp0n commercials dance and laugh? Shouldn't they be revving chainsaws and burn!ng sh!t down?

   Cops: “Please step out of the car” Me: “I can't. I'm drunk. You get in.