Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why isn't there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"

   How Many Blondes Does It Take To Change A Diaper......................Ask Hugh Hefner

   I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"

   Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.

   There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

   Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows.

   Everything's funnier when you're supposed to be quiet.

   I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.

   Stupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go.

   If we're not supposed to have late night snacks.. why is there a light in the fridge?

   wondering why people with bad breath are always wanting to tell me a secret.

   ..hates getting junk mail on how to enlarge my penis,especially since i'm a girl. But I have,however, forwarded them to my boss. Maybe that will cure the little pr*ck.

   When the cable goes out, I like to sit down and do some writing. ...Usually a check to the cable company.

   Going to a concert tonight. Doors open at 7pm, according to the ticket. That's a pretty impressive opening act.

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto-correct is like "I got nothing, man."

   I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.

   That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.

   Archie Buinker & George Jefferson together again......in a much better place!!!

   May need to leave Facebook until after the election so I can maintain respect for some of my family and friends

   So the government spies on us all the time and its no big deal, but someone hacks in and steals celebretards nudies and its a national emergency? SMH