Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please tell me again how "Ninja training" is not an acceptable excuse to miss work for the rest of the week??? This is bullsh!t!!!

   This laundry detergent says I get 20oz free, but the cashier says I still have to buy the whole bottle. :(

   This just in: The meteor that hit Russia caused 10 million dollars worth of improvements...

   People who say "If I disappeared, no one would notice" are wrong. If I saw someone vanish right in front of me I would FREAK OUT!

   When i'm available no one texts me. But when i'm busy... BAM! ...still no one texts me !!!

   I wish I could just “like” a text so I didn't have to respond.

   Big mouths overcompensate for small minds.

   When it comes to returning emails, I only have two speeds: within 3 seconds or within 3 months

   A girl picking up the phone in the middle of sex is a free pass to get weird.

   My first crush was in kindergarten. I knew it was doomed when she colored neatly and perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile.

   Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time!

   You know It's not really an "American Girl Doll ®" without cuts on it's arms, a teen pregnancy, or an eating disorder.

   You know you're getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.

   Whenever I walk into a Wal-Mart I automatically hate everyone.....including myself.

   There's nothing sexier than an intelligent woman who can f uck like she's stupid

   I would love to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.

   Ladies be careful, some of these guys don't want to get into your pants, they want to wear them.

   You will always find me in the kitchen at parties... unless you've stashed the booze in a different room.

   Where I am from, if I was "16 And Pregnant" I'd get an ass beating not a TV show.

   Look, if we all work together, we can lift and move New Orleans to a new location...