Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The dog keeps licking his butt and staring at me. I don't feel bad for him though. I tried to give him toilet paper and he ate it.

   If you accept a penny for your thoughts, not only are you a philosophical prostitute. You're not a very good one.

   I get really uncomfortable when people ask questions about sex. Like: "Is that it?"

   I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

   People are being paid to protest Trump's election .... Heck .... He's not even President yet and he's already creating Jobs!!!!

   How come Sanctuary cities have the fastest growing crime rates?

   Just found a document that says all of our restrictions have been lifted! It’s pretty old though, it’s dated 1776.

   Maybe when the stuff was going down at the Capitol on Wednesday, the Government should have sent in Social Workers instead of the police.

   All I am saying is if Donald Trump was really a friend of the Gay people, one of them would have fixed his wig and makeup by now.

   ever wonder if the mcDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?

   Gang-related violence in my office is up 25% since this meeting started.

   My wife looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped wearing them.

   I spent $100 at the grocery store and there still isn't anything to eat in my house

   If you're on the treadmill next to me, the answer is “Yes. We are racing.”

   Just because you're offended doesn't mean you're right

   I have no idea what anyone means when they describe the weather as 'crisp'. If you're going to use the word 'crisp', you really should be talking about bacon.

   In Mother Russia, we don't shoot for the stars, the stars shoot for us

   If you're single and you know it hug your cat!

   Did you hear the bad news about about Lil Wayne? He's ok.

   I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it's two boobs.