Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gathering Birds to throw at you!

   Costco: Go hungry leave happy

   The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil

   To the dude who flipped me off in the Starbucks parking lot for honking at him, before taking off like a maniac… You left your breakfast and coffee on top of your car…

   Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want."

   I'm searching Facebook for people named Hontas, just because I think it would be cool… to poke a Hontas.

   It's so cold out the guy at 7-11 has a towel on his head.

   A selfie stick should be called a narcissistick.

   A woman will date a guy who isn’t exactly what she likes in the hope of changing him into what she likes. How about just dating a guy who is exactly what you like and save everyone else the drama?

   Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.

   The music stopped for a second in the strip club and everyone heard me opening my Velcro wallet.

   I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad

   Hold up.. Spanking your kid can get you arrested??? If thats the case my mom should be on Death Row.. . ‪

   *Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* *I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen"

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her 800.00 purse....

   Well, it's the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.

   Ants kill around 30 people a year......Marijuana is safer than ants.

   Got banned from bookstore AGAIN this weekend for moving "CAUTION: WET FLOOR" sign to the erotic aisle.

   Whenever I see a happy couple, smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love, I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.

   Send me one more game request and I'm showing up at your house hammered, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister...