Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I often ask myself "What's wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can't drink at work"

   You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”

   $19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

   Sometime's I put lipstick on my own collar Just so I can get the silent treatment

   I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.

   What's so cool about taking a picture of a bathroom mirror?

   Don't get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

   I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I want is people making eye contact with me.

   True love cannot be found until you can find a mutual comfort level in the thermostat of your home.

   You know what's worse than your tribal tattoo? The story about why you got it.

   I wish I had Kim Kardashian's talent of not having any talent and making money out of it.

   this isn't a bakery, I don't sugar coat anything!

   Russell Wilson became the first QB in history to throw a game-winning interception."

   You know what's cheaper than reading a book on a Kindle?......Reading a book.

   47 min: My monthly record for using my phone as a phone

   After spending 45 minutes eavesdropping on a crazy girl giving advice to another crazy girl, I really don't know how we're not extinct yet.

   .Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel. She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

   It's truly astonishing that a little guy hiding in an Ecuadorean Embassy is doing a heck of a lot more for TRUTH in this Election .... Than the Entire American Press!!!

   No .... Not all Refugees are terrorist ..... However, Since the bad guys have already told us and sworn they have infiltrated the refugees .... The job is to find out which ones they are. It's Better to err on the side of Caution.

   Mess with me, I'll fight back. Mess with my friends, I'll hurt you. Mess with ones I love, and they'll never be able to identify you."