Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins

   I Just saw Detroit at the Coinstar machine...

   I would like to congratulate my ex's new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.

   Dear Canada, you can stop emailing me. We have pharmacies here, too...

   I'm about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com

   Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

   Am I the only one who's ever seen a fat ugly lady at Walmart with 7 screaming kids...and think who keeps doing you!

   Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore... a friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband!

   Text this to someone: I just love making you check your phone for no reason, who's my bi$ch? You are.

   I just don't get you people who prefer the cold over the heat. The best times of my life are spent being hot, sweaty, and naked. Not cold, shivering, and bundled up.

   No I don't have anything smaller than a twenty. You should. You're the one who's running a store.

   The Boston Red Sox are now offering peanut-free seating for fans with severe allergies... Sox officials said they want to make sure that gagging and choking only occur on the field

   On a scale from 1 to Adele, how tough was your breakup?

   Whoever said that nothing rhymes with orange clearly doesn't know the correct pronunciation of 'nothing,'

   If a stranger in a bar has never bought you a drink you are probably ugly.

   I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything

   Texting someone back while driving just means that you love them enough to actually die for them.

   I hate when I read this post and and don't realize the word ''and'' was said twice.

   Whenever I get angry, I calm myself down by repeating these 5 words over and over again, “Bartender, Give Me A Double”

   Yo Italian Cruise Ship... I'mma let you finish but Titanic had the best sinking of all time!!!