Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She came to me one night. Explored my body, licked, sucked, swallowed! When satisfied, she damn left & I was hurt!!... stupid mosquito!

   Why do girls run from the ones that make them happy, and fight for the ones that make them cry?

   Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children

   Ladies, just a reminder...the same rule applies to spray tans as is does to Make up...less is more!

   OK Fellas, this one is for you. Be careful who you pick up and take to bed. With wigs, weaves, fake nails, padded bras and pants; you could go to be with a girl that looks like Janet Jackson and wake up with one that looks like Tito!

   I love haters! they're always thinkin of me!

   If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

   How is my Facebooking? call 1-800-DIS-LIKE

   has status electricity...if you get too close there maybe status friction and you'll get status shock.

   if you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.

   Men - Alcohol impairs your ability to make good decisions. We don't want you to lose that ability... we want her to.

   When I say "I understand", it doesn't mean I agree, it doesn't mean I understand, it doesn't even mean I'm listening.

   there a logical reason why Chelsea Clinton looks more like Janet Reno than Bill Clinton?

   Hey...so, how do you like these 4 foot high walls here in the Mens room?...See that Mariner game last night? Nice belt...Alligator? You have a piece of chive in your teeth...umm, ok, well..whatcha say we just do the wipe thing at the same time and split?

   If Goth kids are supposed to be "non-conformist," then why do they all look alike?

   Cool like the other side of the pillow.

   Woke up this morning on a hotel room floor laying on a make-shift bed I made entirely out of a tuxedo and towels. Still not quite sure where my pants are. God I love weddings.

   Does Facebook ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, I don't care who changed their profile picture?

   Just because you don't approve of the way I live my life, it does not make me wrong, it only makes you judgemental.

   KY should just go ahead and make lip gloss already.