Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Golfer oosthuizen has won the British Open. In his honor, his name will be used in the last round of the next National Spelling Bee.

   never, ever, ever under any circumstances take a laxative and sleeping pill on the same night

   Life has no damn remote....get up and change it yourself!

   I am perfectly blithe to chortle at you bourgeios addlepates who pontificate nascent verbiage to seem shrewd. Guess what, you fecal matter is odoriferous.

   At the end of the rainbow, there's no pot of gold. It's just cornflakes.

   You've been backstabbed, rejected, unwanted, abandoned, betrayed, tricked, lied to, ridiculed, cheated on, heartbroken, defeated, and said NO to all your life...Did it kill you? Of course not...just made you stronger. USE IT.

   Doesn't matter how you find the gold, as long as you beat the leprechaun to it

   , Did you hear about the optometrist who had an accident at work? He slipped and fell into his lens-grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

   I never realized how many people I hate until I got on facebook...

   I know I'm wrong, but I always pull for the men on the Maury Show lol.

   anyone want my old toaster oven? It's pretty snazzy…has the pattern of a loaf of Wonder Bread stained on the top of it….they're all the rage ya know…be the first of your friends to own one…at the low…low price of——-> FREE!”

   Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you, don't kiss an a$$ if it's in the process of $hitting on you

   Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's

   Don't focus on the one guy who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog s##t

   I remember the day like it was yesterday when I realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights

   Cool slogan for the new Facebook movie: "See it with someone you never talked to in high school."

   What is a girlfriend?? Addition of problems. Subtraction of money. Multiplication of enemies. Division of friends.

   True love is me texting you back before I die on call of duty instead of after

   Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a Honda Accord

   when one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion.