Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That moment when the person you've loaned money to calls you to brag about the big bonus they received at work and is going on and on about how they plan on spending it and paying you back is not on the list

   How do you get a fat girl to sleep with you? Oh c'mon guys... It's a piece of cake!

   We should be able to text 911, just in case you're hiding from the crazy psycho killer in the trunk of a car...

   "Boop"... *Zebra walking past a self service checkout.

   I bet Tom Hanks sends a letter to The Academy Awards this year that he signs "Sincerely, T. Hanks for nothing"

   French vanilla is just like regular vanilla except it smokes too much cigarettes and doesn't bathe.

   My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together..... I sh*t you knot."

   People that look through other peoples medicine cabinets? WEIRD!~~ I would like to look through their fridge.

   Some days for me it's like I start off making an omelette but in the end it all ends up scrambled eggs......

   Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I'm having scrambled eegs

   I just went to the bathroom without my phone & had to read a magazine to kill time like a freaking caveman.

   The best feeling in the world is realizing that you're perfectly happy without the thing you thought you needed.

   if you've been in a relationship more than 5 years and have yet to get engaged, face it, you've been friendzoned by your boy/girlfriend. If the intention was there, it would have happened. If it's right there is no hesitation.

   Do you ever think that if it weren't for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .

   You know how people look through medicine cabinets? I think that's weird. I personally would rather look through their fridge.

   I found a jacket that I wore in 2002 and found a Nokia 3220 in the pocket... It still has 2 bars left...

   Unless the waitress is hot and with it nobody wants to see a photo of the food you got at the resturant.

   I do hate big butts but I can lie. I don't want to seem shallow.

   My cat just jumped down from on top of the counter onto my laptop on the desk, opening David Bowie "Heroes" on iTunes. And now he's the coolest person I know.

   Now why would I possibly want to "Follow" your Spanish only speaking Twitter account? Oh look at that, Ginormous huge ti tty selfies? *Now FOLLOWING Tetas Gigantescas