Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?

   A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

   Bumped and grinded last night.....my head on bed post and my teeth

   Hey McDonald's, here's an add to fire back at Taco Bell: Eat at McDonald's, you won't sh.. your pants. -your welcome.

   Racism makes as much sense as saying I don't want that gift because of the color of the wrapping paper.

   You can't be ugly and play hard to get... You're already hard to want.

   I named my dìck truth, because bìtchès can't handle it.

   I thought lubing my arse with vegetable oil would make my poop come out faster, but I just slipped off the toilet and shat on the floor.. :(

   I don’t know a lot, but I know Facebook is as helpful as a football bat.

   I saw an ad on a dating site called: Friends With Benefits. So I made a date, and it went well...right up to when I said, "Ok, I'll be your friend, now where's my health plan?" She got PO'd. Why? What's so bad about that?

   I searched Google, Bing and Yahoo on the word Impotence and nothing came up?

   why does the drive-thru ATM have braille?....what blind person is driving a car?

   first day of spring break and I have f all to do

   Party like your intervention is tomorrow.

   Hell hath no fury like a woman misunderstood.

   It's ok to admit when you're wrong. Just don't tell anyone.

   Your hair smells like it wants pulling.

   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some single women have more than one baby daddy?

   I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his baIIs

   According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was