Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw Donald Rumsfeld on CNN this morning, offering his advice on using the military in Libya. What's next? Octomom giving advice on birth control?

   In our city its not what you know. Its not who you know. Its what you know about who.

   Be tender to the young, compassionate to the aged, tolerant with the weak. For in your life you will be all of these.

   Sometimes I think that my parents had me just so I could clean the house for them.

   If you listen closely... you can hear the gas pump tell your kids' college fund to go f*ck itself.

   Grandma... I know the words are similar but you "butt dialed" me... you didn't "booty call" me.

   decided to go on a Light Diet....whenever there's light...I eat.

   If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out.

   I wish there was a place I could go to collect all the wonderful things people are giving up for Lent.

   Most fortune cookies are too boring and cliché. So, I've decided to start my own fortune cookie company. My goal is to at least make the fortunes more accessible and realistic. Such as: You will experience a horrific bowel movement in about 10 minutes.

   While pumping gas, if you listen closely, you can hear the pump telling your kid's college fund to go "F" itself.

   "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" - New York City's most hated cab driver

   wonders - on a scale from 1 to Osama Bin Lanin, how good was my hiding spot?

   This is my last cookie......-eats it then gets a few more-

   Here's what's happened in Wisconsin. The people who earn the money to pay these public sector workers -- for the first time -- have somebody representing them.

   someone just googled my status and said they knew I couldnt be that funny

   just heard that Lady Gaga will top her last performance by rebirthing....Special Guest: Octomom...

   I just saw my episode of cops on television. Damn I'm fast.

   I can usually figure out many parties I've been to lately by counting the extra lighters I woke up with in my pocket.

   thinking why do all main disney channel or nickolodeon stars become singers when most cant even sing!?