Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering if a butterflies wish they could get a tattoo of a woman on their shoulder.

   Hey Obama, where's the change? I need it to pay for gas!

   Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.

   heard that NASA astronauts are moving items today out of retiring shuttle Discovery, in hopes of getting their security deposit back.

   US Congress is looking to reduce budget deficit by combining national healthcare with the TSA. Head to your local airport next time you need an X-ray or cancer exam.

   Awkward....That moment when you think you are being helpful by telling someone they "got a lil dirt on their forehead" and they tell you it's Ash Wednesday.

   decided to give up searching his belly button for Lent!

   Worry is a darkroom where negatives develop

   I'd be more willing to join Farmville if they let me grow weed, and sell it to Mafia Wars...

   Dear Life, When I asked if things could get worse, it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

   lindsay Lohan and Charle Sheen have signed for a new sit com called 2 and 1/2 grams

   That's the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good life.

   Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends

   Some women get excited about nothing, and then marry him.

   The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it.

   Insurance costs are so outrageous the only healthcare most Americans can afford is from Dr. Pepper.

   "The people of Libya love me, except the ones given hallucinogenic drugs by Al Qaeda...Duh, WINNING!" ~Muammar Gaddafisteen~

   If you post another Biggie video.. expect a drive by..

   Sometimes I think life would be more fun with a "thumbs down" option for people like I have on Pandora for songs

   I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.