Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So Walmart securty didn’t see this Mofo coming in from the parking lot with a Ak-47 ? But they wanna see a receipt for some water!

   This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.

   I saw a hipster wearing socks because it’s so cold.

   The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.

   Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags

   Word of the Day: Intaxication - That brief period of euphoria you feel between receiving a tax refund and then realizing it was your money to begin with.

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   Its still winter because Mother Nature saw all our summer bodies and decided we weren't ready yet.

   Dear Amazon, I bought a vacuum filter from you because that model is hard to find. It was necessary, not because I am fond of them. I am not a vacuum filter collector. No matter how many ads you display, or emails you send me, I am not desperate for more.

   It looks like T-Mobile and Sprint are getting married. And to prove that things won't change, there will be no reception.

   Ironic that my kids can't remember to say the "please" word but boy do they remember the word I used that one time in heavy traffic last year.

   Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

   Einstein was a genius. It was his brother Frank that created a monster.

   WebMD is updating their servers because of a virus. Well, they think it's a virus, but it could be kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.

   "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great advertising slogan for a condom company.

   Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

   I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington's decision when he reached the Delaware.

   My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

   Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

   Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?