Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming

   I just want to be with someone who isn't crazy but unfortunately I'm only attracted to women.

   Day 10....I am thankful for Veterans......

   I'm old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.

   I'm sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.

   I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

   II have a strange feeling this year's "must have" Halloween costume will be a level 4 biohazard suit

   Whoa. The land-telephone appliance just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped, and rolled.

   the pill...... the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy

   Ladies, don't give every man a taste because eventually you'll run out of flavor

   So, just wondering...Is the Navy seal who shot Bin Laden going to get the 25 million bounty he so rightly deserves???? HE SHOULD!!!!

   We get it. Female without the vowels is FML. Enough.

   wondering whether Lady Gaga dresses up like a normal person when it's halloween.

   I woke up this morning with a hospital arm-band on containing all the information off my fake I.D. WTF did we do last night!?!?

   Life is too short to wake up with regrets.So love the people who treat you right. Forget about those who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it, and if it changes your life, let it. Enjoy life: you only have one!

   Got a text from my girlfriend, 'thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative.' I wonder what 'ternative' means?

   You gotta go for personality, guys.... They'll ALL look like grandma someday,,

   Statistics Show That Criminals Commit Less Crime After They’ve Been Shot

   if you ever feel bad or depressed, just remember you were once the fastest most victorious sperm in the bunch!!

   Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.