Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It must be a real self-esteem killer for a fat lady if the show always ends after she sings.

   an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

   When I asked "How are you?" it was rhetorical.

   Happy Get Drunk to Make Your Inlaws Less Annoying Day Eve!

   ‎"I don't mean to brag" is something people say right before they brag.

   believes insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it. ツ

   Wishing my dog had a snooze button!!

   My twelve year old was riding with me listening to a classic rock station and he says "I can't believe they have a Rock Band staion!"

   A journey of ten feet begins with a single “Where the #%!= is the remote?”

   Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some crap for Farmville.

   Fact: If you sneak away to fart loudly in private and get caught by some innocent person walking by, you have to now hate that person.

   Navy Seals.......Terminix for a larger cockroach........

   Regardless of whether or not I should know better, I thought we had already established that no, I do not.

   If people had to spell something correctly before being allowed to criticize it, Facebook would be much more peaceful.

   It's so annoying when someone is talking and I'm trying to interrupt

   Everytime I drink I break my "No" button. Yes, I want another drink. Yes, you can take me home. Yes, I'm sure I can drive. Yes, I will dance on the bar."

   You know that feeling when you arrive at work in the morning excited for the new day, looking forward to new challenges? Me neither.

   Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one.

   RIP Macho Man. He must of had an early boarding pass for the rapture. You will be missed......

   The term weekend could have a whole new meaning tomorrow.