Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

   Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?

   I cut the swooshes of my nike socks and sold them to my neighbours wife to use as eyebrows.

   I've been wracking my brain trying to remember that movie where Joe Pesci plays a hot-tempered little tough guy.

   Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1) Wearing leggings 2) Having an United Airlines ticket

   Sit back, relax and enjoy the fight... -United pilot welcoming passenger

   Scooby Doo taught me that the only real monsters are humans.

   In order to help her inner city supporters Hillary is urging President Obama to sign an executive order replacing the word "Looting" with the words "Undocumented Shopping."

   I'm known all over the world for my exaggerations.

   ... Ask Yourself ... If the "Clinton Foundation" is such a Philanthropic entity ... Why didn't a single person mention it during the Democrat Convention? .... NOT EVEN HILLARY HERSELF!!!

   Anyway, I didn't see a debate. I saw two grumpy old married people arguing at Wal Mart.

   Too old for snapchat and too young for Life Alert.

   The Irony of the old saying, "I wouldn't touch you with a 6 foot pole".

   Show me a man who calls himself a vegan and I'll show you a man who's trying to sleep with a vegan!

   Coffee spelled backwards is "eeffoc". Just know that I don't give eeffoc until I've had my morning coffee.

   Shouldn't you have to pass a urine test to collect a welfare check, since I have to pass one to earn it for you?

   If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she: A. Has intimacy issues B. Is frigid C. Needs to sit somewhere else on the bus

   Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"

   The perfect woman: 1. Beautiful but doesn't let it get to her head. 2. Intelligent without needing to prove it. 3. Funny as hell.

   No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, "Yes, but does it work on cats?"