Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My son has been sitting at the computer for so long I almost watered him today..........

   I'm peeved that the bank owns a good chunk of this house but hasn't once taken out the trash. Worst roommate ever.

   I'm going to write that down in my "Things I don't give a crap about" notebook.

   A handful of Nigerian scam artists are wrecking it for all the honest Nigerians who want to wire money to us.

   planning to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday. Maybe I should be a politician..

   you know you're getting older when your back goes out more than you do

   I prefer the button fly. That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth.

   I don't know about you but putting the Kardashian's on a credit card to promote financial responsability makes as much sense as getting a nun to be a spokes woman for a condom company.

   Women never hate men enough to give us our diamonds back.

   just kicked out of the local paintball fight and the police were called.....Apparently knifing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.

   doesn't consider them as one night stands, they're auditions.

   sits and wonders....if I was a bird, who would I crap on first...

   The ONLY reason I haven't unfriended you yet is because you have huge boobs and I have a feeling that I would miss seeing them.

   When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I'd like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you're right"

   A co-worker has stopped acknowledging me in the hallway. Please tell me what I did to make you want to ignore me, so I can do it to others.

   I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.

   We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield.

   I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realised I'd left the "R" out.

   I got fired from the quality control department at the mirror factory. They all looked perfect to me.

   SARCASM: Giving me the exclusive power to humiliate idiots without them knowing it.