Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 392 of 6385
Be smart because you won't be pretty forever.
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11-24-2012 11:22
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It's ok if you don't like my personality,,, I've got others.
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12-14-2012 20:13 by snotty
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BBQ rule: no drama goes on at my BBQ, if your'e in a fight with your mate don't come, if you just broke up and want to talk about it call a family member, BBQs are for FUN only
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06-01-2011 20:00 by smeebert
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Dear Employer, I have worked insane amounts of hours for you; shed blood; even went through a divorce because of you. Is it too much to ask for some decent toilet paper up in here?
I have tried it all to get my girl to call out my name in bed, but nothing has worked.My last hope now is to change my name to "Already?".
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02-23-2011 03:16
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I'm waiting till the iPad 1,473 comes out because it will fly you to the moon while you surf the internet.
I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know… look around, listen to the radio
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08-06-2011 03:24
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I don't care who the hell you are, you fall, I will laugh.
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08-17-2011 08:18
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I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
When will my dog ever get the hint that my leg “just wants to be friends.”
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08-26-2011 15:10
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A report says that 15% of Americans admit to cheating on their taxes. Probably because the other 85% don't have an income anymore.
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03-31-2011 19:00
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Some people just need a hug... around their neck... with a rope.
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09-15-2011 12:53
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All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.
So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!"
If you get a tattoo on your face you can pretty much guarantee you are no longer anyone's emergency contact.
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07-26-2011 16:33
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Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
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08-02-2011 21:39 by BEGO
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All our problems in the Middle East started when Indiana Jones shot that guy waving the sword around.
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08-03-2011 16:10
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My ex and I were together for 7 years. Evidently I broke a mirror.
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04-12-2011 20:35 by Gman
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My divorce judge told me I needed to supply my xwife with a vehicle, I just UPSD'd her a broom
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04-20-2011 14:30 by SEAN
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Still waiting on the United States to hold concerts for money to donate to Alabama and those affected in the horrible tornados. We do it for everyone else for any other reason right?
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04-28-2011 20:31 by ESH
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