Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New Trojan add: When you want the meat but not the gravy.

   If you don't use 1:11, 2:22 or 3:33 when starting the microwave you have yet to unlock my level of laziness.

   Ladies that don't know what to get your man for valentines day, I have your answer...Forget the cutesy stuff!!! Get alcohol, feed him Red Meat and have sex with him wearing red and pink. Trust me I'm a guy...

   My ideal job would be getting paid by a sassy black woman to back up all her statements with "mmmhmm!" And "Hooooo Damn! Girl!"

   Facebook allows me to see what my life would look like if I had married my girlfriend that I had in my 20s. - Dodged a bullet there.

   If I could live my life over again, I'd do everything the same. Except for that time I sh*t my pants in 3rd grade.

   WWII Vet goes up to a Occupy Movement protester and says "When I was your age I was occupying France fighting Nazis"

   If I ever become rich and famous, I won't forget my friends. They will be a fond and nostalgic memory.

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa Clause with a sign that says, "Help, need ride."

   You know things must've gotten serious when you see a gold hoop earring laying in the Walmart parking lot.

   I leaked a sex tape of myself 3 months ago. It has 14 hits! Those hits are from me checking to see how many hits it has :/

   The porn industry needs to realize that a 42 year old woman in pigtails and knee high socks isn't "Barely Legal".

   It doesn't take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.

   Ghetto pronunciation: Bathroom = Baafrumm, Refrigerator = Fridgerataa, Remote = Moken Troll.

   I'm in a book store and a liberal clerk helped me. I asked for the new Trump book on his immigration policy. She said, "F-you! Get out and stay out! I go, "Yes, that's it, do you have it in paperback?"

   You know...Barbie has an awful lot of nice things for a girl whose knees do not bend.

   AT&T and T-Mobile are getting married, There will be no reception.

   A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"

   69% of people; find something DIRTY in every sentence

   not waiting another minute for the lab results... the Valentine cookies from my ex-wife look good and I am feeling lucky.