Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they're stabbing it? No? How about now?

   Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?

   I read that smoking is bad so I stopped smoking, I read drinking is bad so I stopped drinking, I read that sex is bad so I stopped reading.

   Movies are so unrealistic. This guy's using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

   I absolutely HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT! Throw my head back and SHOUT!

   I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.

   If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. #fail

   I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it

   Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.

   Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music of the internet.

   I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...

   My bed is a magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.

   If I don't mention you, then the status wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace it up and wear it.

   My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the drain is clogged again."

   Dear Egyptians, please chill the f**k out while we consult our groundhog for advice.

   A homeless man comes up to asking for change,I say"change comes from within" he looked stunned.

   All I heard was, "I swear it'll be funny"... Then we were in jail.

   I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn't speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.

   I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.

   Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.