Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 340 of 6385
One day my ex-wife asked me if her new jeans made her butt look big, I said I don't know, let me jog around back there and check. Hence the ex-wife.
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11-14-2010 20:54 by RLRAY
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My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex. She says it makes her armpits sore for days.
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03-31-2014 08:45
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If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I'm going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That's what I did."
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12-11-2013 07:23
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I just watched a documentary on LSD and in my opinion that is the best way to watch a documenatry
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10-08-2013 23:21 by Nishit
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I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
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10-20-2013 11:34
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Spilling a full drink you just paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
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11-12-2013 17:26 by Aaron
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I'm pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison
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11-17-2013 13:10 by Czovczov
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Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
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03-30-2015 11:55
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I haven't gotten a handjob in forever, but when I saw my wife beating a can of biscuits on the kitchen counter, I remebered why.
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04-13-2015 09:39
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Politicians should be limited to two terms. One in office and one in prison.
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06-10-2015 10:38
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I've never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
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07-27-2015 15:06
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I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I'll be notified immediately.
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12-08-2015 05:32
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Some things are so awkward to say, but so easy to text message.
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02-23-2012 21:51 by BEGO
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Lazy rule #35: If you spill some water, it will eventually dry.
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02-24-2012 22:58 by BEGO
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I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
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02-28-2012 10:19 by flinnie
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Phones get thinner and smarter, and people?! We get fatter and stupid.
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12-30-2011 22:42 by BEGO
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They're coming out with a line of Kardashian Barbie Dolls. As if the actual Kardashians aren't fake enough.
Why do I have to take medication to stop me from slapping people who should be on medication?
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01-09-2012 15:36
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On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
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01-13-2012 00:45
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So I read 600,000 facebook accounts get hacked in a day... I must be lucky - I get a free ipad 2 just by entering my password and credit card information.
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11-02-2011 06:28
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