Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lazy rule #35: If you spill some water, it will eventually dry.

   I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   Hey, don't wear skinny jeans if you have a big head. You look like a Pez dispenser.

   I think it's cute how my bankruptcy attorney thinks I'm going to pay him!

   Nothing says "I've made poor life decisions" like a couch in your front yard.

   So I read 600,000 facebook accounts get hacked in a day... I must be lucky - I get a free ipad 2 just by entering my password and credit card information.

   That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you're moving.

   A fax? You're sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?

   Quick question, Ladies, If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the f$ck are you doing?

   Phones get thinner and smarter, and people?! We get fatter and stupid.

   They're coming out with a line of Kardashian Barbie Dolls. As if the actual Kardashians aren't fake enough.

   Why do I have to take medication to stop me from slapping people who should be on medication?

   On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

   I just watched a documentary on LSD and in my opinion that is the best way to watch a documenatry

   I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.

   Spilling a full drink you just paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.

   I'm pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison

   My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex. She says it makes her armpits sore for days.

   If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I'm going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That's what I did."

   Politicians should be limited to two terms. One in office and one in prison.