Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 298 of 6385
Women always say 'all men want is sex' ....that's a lie. They want head too.
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09-16-2011 06:12
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These ‘energy saving' light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
You know you're in the wrong part of town, when you start seeing pay phones...
Life's too short to wake up in a bad mood- I save mine until I get to work.
I can't even take a picture these days without someone yelling at me, "You better not put that on Facebook!"
There is nothing worse than watching the new guy at Subway make your sandwich.
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01-21-2012 14:46
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I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.
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03-14-2012 13:05 by Joe
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Who else backspaces their whole password, even if only one letter is wrong?
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05-20-2012 22:34 by BEGO
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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
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07-30-2009 00:18 by David B
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I'm pretty tired of these kids running lemonade stands acting like they've never even heard of vodka before.
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08-12-2010 08:16
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I'm not good in relationships.My last relationship ended when I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam up to the surface.
.I hate it when celebrities get on TV and tell us to donate to some fund… B!tch, you make 12 million a movie & I make $12/hr. You send money..
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12-08-2011 00:25 by g0re
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Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.
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08-16-2010 15:31
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Fun Fact: Half of the current value of the US Stock Market was created between 1817 and 2009. The other half was created under the current Republican congress.
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07-15-2013 19:25
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well...I can't afford a breast lift. Suppose I could pierce my nipples and wear a magnet around my neck!!
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10-05-2010 19:46
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Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.
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12-22-2010 13:10
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Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge
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03-02-2012 21:26 by BEGO
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starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD, & if anyone feels the urge to tidy up, by all means go ahead
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04-28-2009 10:31 by Vybe
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Whenever I don't hear from someone in a while I think, "Oh, sh$t They found out."
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive...but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".