Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 242 of 6384
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I got my stimulus check and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
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03-22-2021 09:31
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So what are we being offended by today? Sorry I missed the morning briefing.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
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04-11-2019 09:14
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Need this election to be over so I can focus on holiday anxiety.
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11-06-2016 15:36
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I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
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11-17-2016 06:21
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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
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12-14-2016 05:53
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Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
If I've learned anything from social media, it's that we live on a planet that's disproportionately filled with inhabitants in possession of single digit IQ's.
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02-16-2017 08:04 by Mickey
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I thought we had something. You met my family, you made me dinner, you called me Honey. Now suddenly you are just a "waitress" who was "doing her job".
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03-03-2017 10:03
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I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
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04-25-2017 08:48
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I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
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04-29-2017 07:00
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The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
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07-12-2017 13:03
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"When I'm dead, I'd like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole." - Humans
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08-24-2017 23:25
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The toilet roll situation has got so bad I have been forced to wipe with lettuce leaves. I fear its just the tip of the iceberg
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03-16-2020 10:44
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Gas so cheap right now I don't even shake the pump after I fill up.
Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.
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04-16-2018 21:14 by Jake
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Not saying that women walmart shoppers have bad teeth. But when the woman in line in front of me smiled. The barcode scanner rang up a set of sauce pans.
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06-03-2018 23:42 by Jake
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Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
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07-15-2018 09:56
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I refused to buy my 6 year old nephew a Barbie doll for his birthday because I believe that Barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations. There is no way you could rip a woman’s head off that easily.
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08-30-2018 16:54 by Cicci
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Why is it that kids these days can shift their gender but cannot shift a manual transmission?
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09-17-2018 07:41
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