Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 240 of 6384
Sometimes, karma is just too busy with other injustices in the world and that's where revenge comes in.
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02-27-2012 09:20
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I'm looking for sponsors to prove that money can't make me happy.....Please send generous donations so I can conduct my experiment! ツ
If everyone were telling the truth on fb, the economy would be booming, all kids would be geniuses, everyone would look like they're in their 20's, and all relationships would remain happily ever after.
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06-21-2012 07:54 by MTQ
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Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.
When a traffic light is out of service you should just treat the intersection as a demolition derby.
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07-02-2012 14:07
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There's no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? "Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry."
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
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03-10-2014 01:32
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Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
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03-29-2014 23:23 by BEGO
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It's like the women in this bar don't know how close I am to getting my own apartment.
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04-24-2014 13:50 by Baddie
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I just bought a medical alert bracelet. It says "Probably just sh*tfaced"
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05-11-2014 13:56 by Baddie
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"Got any drugs or alcohol on you?" "yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"
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09-21-2013 10:34 by Baddie
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My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
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09-29-2013 12:36
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I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.
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09-30-2015 20:34 by snotty
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I tweeted to Steve Harvey tonight that he was still my favorite all-time host of Family Feud; but two and a half minutes later I tweeted again to tell him it is actually Richard Dawson
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12-22-2015 00:36
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So, what are all us fortunate people complaining about today?
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
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02-10-2015 15:11
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I miss elementary school days where I would have a doctor's appointment and come back to school like a boss with McDonald's.
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04-29-2015 06:50
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Kanye is not TOTALLY useless, he did raise Beck awareness. That is a good thing
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02-12-2015 20:59
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For every action there is an equal and opposite overreaction in the media.
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03-04-2015 11:04
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