Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   It's amazing how much more money I have when I'm drunk.

   Today, I realized that Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes, runs around in sewers, beats up people for their money, and what does he spend it on? Mushrooms.

   I bet Burger King started making their cardboard crowns bigger when they realized their primary audience was drunk college students.

   It's so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads

   I love Halloween because it's the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.

   The only people mad at you for speaking the TRUTH are the ones living a LIE.

   When people go underwater during movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I died at Finding Nemo.

   believes NASA could help erase some of the national debt by charging to take people up in the shuttle that need to discover the world doesn't revolve around them.

   This just in...Blown up COLLAGEN injected lips are NOT sexy. People notice but not in a good way. We actually snicker and mock you. Thank you that is all.

   Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.

   I don't understand why people have to say hurtful things. Like "let's go to the gym" or " try this kale"

   I love when people cut me off because they're in a rush, then I pull up next to them at the same red light.

   Irony = People complaining on Facebook one day about their problems and the next day telling people to mind their own business.

   The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.

   Starbucks has announced that they will start selling beer and wine in their stores. Apparently, they've run out of sober people to sell their $9.00 cups of coffee to.

   I hate when people say 'I'm a vegetarian except for fish.' Right, and I'm a virgin except for all that sex I had.

   I refuse to believe that everybody was kung fu fighting. I'm sorry, but there had to be at least a couple people sitting that one out.

   if I had a time machine I would stop O.J. Simpson from killing those people then nobody would know what a Kardashian is

   Dear Terrorist, I don't get why you kill people in the name of God. If God wanted to take someone's life, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be asking for your help.

   Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.