Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, easy way to tell if a guy is married? Look into his eyes, if there is any sign of life left, he's single.

   It's never too early to start drinking for St. Patrick's Day. There are only 52 days left.

   Just drunk enough to compose.. Just sober enough to backspace.

   Never fails. Always behind the person filling out a mortgage at the ATM machine

   Nothing says love like, "I'm busy this weekend but I'll call you Wednesday."

   Just nailed the "She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys.." part on Hotel California.....don't judge

   Don't assume I have a bad memory if I don't remember what you tell me. More than likely its becasue I don't like you enough to pay attention.

   Guess it's time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.

   Kids are ridiculous these days, when we were young, we took spelling tests, not pregnancy tests.

   SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die.

   Geez!....Drop a couple "fun size" Absolute miniatures in a trick-or-treater's sack and suddenly it's a neighborhood "incident".

   Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic but I kinda always thought Tom and Katie would eventually fall in love.

   It`s going to be sad when the wife finishes the 50 shades trilogy ...Not cause of all the sex and stuff , but because then I won`t be able to watch sport in peace .......

   refuses to swallow my pride. The last thing I need in my diet right now is more empty calories.

   Family Rule: Always give the first pancake to the person you dislike the most in your household.

   Why do the people with 2000+ friends acknowledge your birthday greeting to them, yet the ones with 62 friends never do?

   there will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with under-wires that lift and separate.

   5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

   A leopard can't change its spots, unless it has Photoshop.

   Still working on an electromagnetic pulsating device to disable cell phones in theaters. For now, please continue making do with neckpunches.