Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dry hump my mattress because I love my bed so much.

   OK Girls sorry to say this but Sometimes your knight in shining armor Guy is actually a dumb ass in aluminum foil.

   Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink

   you're allways late, your work is slack, you bit#h and wine behind my back, a 2hr lunch 4u is quick, and twice a week you call in sick, i've hated you since the day you were hired, log off facebook are your fat a#s is fired

   Louisiana has turned blue. Congrats!

   You keep Evolving, I'll keep Believing.

   Well, now that K-State and Kentucky have lost (as did Kansas and Villanova)... and considering Obama had them ALL in his "Final Four", it's pretty safe to say that this just adds to the things he's WRONG about.

   Thumbs up if your a Mex Thumbs down if you wanna kill all Mex

   I'm going to start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

   Malaysian Airlines - Worse with planes than Casey Anthony is with children!

   why don't they have a pill to make girls vag smaller

   I know that people want to go back to work because they're broke, but there's still a serious virus floating around. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that being broke is better than being dead.

   “They’re going to pay for the wall” WRONG “They’re going to pay the tariffs “ LIE!

   "Transparency" under current administration = getting caught

   If aliens landed & saw Glenn Beck, they'd be like, "Oh, he has a show here too?"

   Hey, does anyone know if the Bears are playing today?

   I wish my lawn was goth so it would cut itself.

   Shoppingcarts....teaching women to walk upright since 1869

   Sick! You can type your Facebook Password into a comment and it comes up as stars!! ********** haha cool!

   Did you ever think just maybe...just maybe... that the shark attacked you cuz you in his kitchen? Its not like he comes inside your house and swims in your kitchen,... and if that ever happened its called "Tuna Surprise Dinner!"