Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apple is now making incontinence products for the aging American consumer... iPEED will be on your store shelves soon.

   Christina aguilera, Miley Cyrus, Annette Funicello is rolling over in her grave....

   Saw a bird poo on a Smart car. Totaled it.

   If your kid graduates high school you were smart and voted for Trump.

   Question, can Donald Trump be charged with negligent homicide for his failure to do all possible to assist the citizens of Puerto Rico?

   playing a Rusty Trombone

   so lazy, she'll fight that little stone in her shoe till the end of the day

   watching you having a wank

   if it weren't for elephants and penguins, I would not be able to eat ice cream on a sailboat

   I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

   gathering rocks to throw at LeBron...Cleveland will STILL ROCK without you!

   I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, "Hello?" As if the bad guy is gonna be like, "Yeah, I`m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?

   Women don't cheat on me, they cheat with me.

   Congrats USA. Always one step behind Canada and one step closer to being Canada...now give up your guns...it's your destiny. [/Palpatine]

   Huge Star Wars fan, Can't imagine a world without Spock.

   Does anyone know where I can register to become a sex offender?

   taking the "What color are you?" quiz and the result is: Who gives a Toss!!!!

   PRO TIP: You can cure most cat allergies,, by putting just a little antifreeze in their water.

   Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

   A rather scary statistic, 42% of Americans think the "little magic man in the sky", otherwise known as god, has a direct hand in causing natural disasters.....idiots!