Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hi I'm Muammar Gaddafi, and this is "Escape Tunnel"....Welcome to Jackass!

   : No I have not gained weight, Your eyes just got fat

   What the hell is everyone's deal with lemons? - Life handing out stuff

   BREAKING: Penn State assistant coach Mike McQueary sent to the Pennsylvania Home for Horrible, Awful Gingers

   Like if you remember buying really silly stuff from Ronco ...Mr Microphone .. The pocket fisherman...aand who could forget the "Chop O Matic "

   Facebook stock continues to lose value, in fact it's so bad, finally the farmville farms are going into foreclosure.

   Seeking a meaningful, romantic and deep overnight relationship... PM inbox for details... P.S. With Gas price at $4.25 a gallon, I'm not coming over "just to chill"

   Waring: This is Not a joke - The Gonorrhea Apocalypse Is Near.

   If you hear I committed suicide, start an investigation!

   Please do me a solid and don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and extremely hard to light. -- The Janitor

   Him: Lil Wayne's in the hospital. Me: WHAT!!!! Him: Do you know who Lil Wayne is? Me: YEAH!!! Him: You're thinking of Lil John. Me: OKAY!!!

   I'm sorry, but I can't understand a word that is coming out of your mouth, I don't speak Bone Thugz N Harmony.

   What do the Smurfs and a Tiffany's diamond have in common? They both come in little blue boxes.

   I've found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

   My phone dies faster than Chris Brown on stomp the yard.

   A.W.K. moment when Pakistan does not win any medals at the Olympics for 'Shooting'

   What is the Beach Boys song Kokomo about?

   Who the hell is this "moderation" everyone keeps telling me to drink with?

   feels sorry every summer for anyone named Eve.

   Flooding, check... Earthquake, check... Hurricane, check,,,, Locusts..where are my damn locusts?......... That's it,, I'm calling the exec. producer