Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook taught me to mind everyone else's business.

   I hate when I'm in a hurry at the bank and I get a really chatty cashier...What kind of gun is it, does it come in different colors, how many bullets does it hold???

   I don’t have a problem with idiots… I have a problem with the fact they they have an internet connection.

   Say what you want about Canada but they successfully got rid of Justin Bieber.

   By show of hands, who's been fooled 3 times and not known who to blame?

   My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there's lunch brought in for everyone

   Scientists have made a pill that tricks you into thinking your body is full. Unfortunately, it's filled with mashed potatoes and has 8,500 calories.

   Why does every video on America's Funniest Home Videos look like it's still recorded on VHS tape?

   Remember when our kids got sick we had to pick up the phone and tell all our friends? No! You don't because nobody did it. So knock that crap off Facebook.

   I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?!?"

   Next Season on Survivor: Sixteen Congressmen try to hold down jobs in the private sector.

   Hi, welcome to adulthood! You’ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep

   If time is money.... Facebook owes me like...27 billion dollars...

   Your car took up two spaces,, So I tried to move it over with my key.

   My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.

   I'm not mature enough to be in a yoga class.

   Personally, I think failure should be an option

   If your dog is fat it means that you don't get enough exercise.

   There’s another hacking scandal. Home Depot is now investigating the hack of its customers' credit card information. They would have targeted Home Depot employees too, but the hackers couldn't find any.

   [Heaven] God: I see Joan Rivers is finally here. Jesus: I know. She's already making fun of us for wearing white after labor day.