Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When attacked by a bear, play dead. Make his meal less stressful. It's not all about you.

   You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. But there's a problem... You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. You're not fooling anyone.

   According to astronomy, whenever you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.

   The media is a weapon of mass destruction....

   Dear teeth whiteners. .. you have a set of teeth on the bottom too.. you're like the guys at the gym that don't do legs..

   Just once, I'd like to see Punxsutawney Phil open a can of whoop-ass on the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.

   Bill Clinton has been acting funny ever since Michael Douglas made that oral sex comment.

   The day Bruce Jenner finally snaps and locks his entire family in his Escalade and pushes it into his swimming pool just got one stupid baby name closer.

   No one is giving you free airline tickets, a week at Disney, a cruise or a cabin in the woods for a year. If you want those things, put down your GD phone, tablet or computer and get off your a$$ and earn them!!

   Balloons are so much more expensive than when I was a kid... Probably due to,,,,, you know,, inflation.

   Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.

   Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I cannot fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.

   Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

   What if we CAN breathe in space and they just don't want us to escape?

   FACEBOOK is the second most popular word that starts with "F" and ends with "K" ; )

   Kids complaining they didn't get an iPhone for Christmas or got one in the wrong color is exactly why other countries hate us.

   ~• << Picture of me when I was younger.

   If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I just hope they split us up by the music genre.

   I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I’m having wine for dinner.