Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Procrastination is like masturbation; it's a whole lotta fun until you realize you just screwed yourself.

   Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?

   Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want".

   rapping with Dr. Seuss. That dude has mad skills.

   could never understand why the ghosts on the TV show "Ghost Whisperer" didn't take advantage of the fact they could sneak around and see Jennifer Love Hewitt naked.

   There is actually a "man vs wild alabama". Bear said "this is going to be one of my toughest challenges ever". He's obvously seen "deliverance".

   theres nothin worse then havin a wicked case of the squirts and realizing there isnt a roll of TP in sight..

   Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio

   voices inside of his head, but they're speaking in spanish and he can't understand them

   I just realised Chewbacca carries a Purse!"

   I have a cold. it makes my voice sound like a sexy pirate."

   cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time

   What would happen if Superman consumed 10 Lbs of laxative?

   What you call sex ed, I call Saturday night...

   I really wish I had a pet chimp..that would really be cool. We could dress alike and go places together. We would be best friends..

   going to go camping at North Korea State Beach and play a great camping game of Hide-and-keep-hiding!

   Filing a BP Damage Claims. Due to the Gulf disaster, instead of a vacation at the beach, we're going to visit my in-laws...

   Why hasn't anyone invented alcohol that acts as birth control too?

   Why is it that when you get your girlfriend pregnant, everyone rubs her belly saying "congratulations"... but nobody rubs your d*ck and says "good job?"

   I wish God wouldn't have hidden all of my talents so well...