Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to donkey punch ignorant people

   It's not "When Wild Animals Attack!" as much as it is "When Stupid People Get Bit."

   how do you spell procrastination? F-A-C-E-B-O-O-K...

   had some sushi for lunch but it seemed a bit undercooked

   Please do not open any messages from me that are entitled "Do not open , This is a virus which will destroy your hard drive then come to your house and donkey punch you in the back of the head"

   At the Photography Studio: "First, we'll shoot you, then we'll blow you up, then you can go home and hang yourself."

   I always text 'lol' but rarely do I actually "laugh out loud". I'm such a liar.

   People who can't find happiness aren't in a liquor store.

   Everybody get your flu shots now! Make sure all of your family and friends do too. Then I won't have to get one.

   Today is Monday, and that's reason enough for me to hate it.

   Whenever I Google something, I get so distracted by the absurd things others have Googled that I rarely get my answer.

   If you're going to walk a mile in my shoes, can you pick me up some booze on your way back?

   A religious man is one who feels repentant on a Sunday, for what he did on Saturday and will do again on Monday.

   Life is a roller coaster. You can either scream every time you hit a bump or you can throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it.

   I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

   My roomate ate some peanuts and sufferd a violent reaction...They were MY peanuts so I kicked the sh!t out of the thieving ba$tard...

   The first thing I'm going to do when I get home tonight is go to the bedroom and take my wife's underwear off..She would kill me if she knew I had them on the whole day.

   Mel Gibson, Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen walk into a bar. I don't know what the punchline is, but I'm pretty sure the cops are showing up.

   Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

   Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but nobody needs to know that side of the story...k-thanx