Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the first rule of Sam's Club is that you will not admit that you were stupid enough to go there on Black Friday

   Writing. Like. This. Doesn't. Make. Your. Point. Any. Stronger. It. Makes. It. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma.

   Bruce Lee, Jimi Hendrix and Bill Nye all have the same birthday. And that day is today. November 27th should be renamed Awesome Day

   Dear radio stations. I appreciate that you waited until after Thanksgiving to start in with the Christmas music... but could you tone it down a little bit? You're gonna kill it for me if it goes on like this for a month. Thank you

   Alright, Captain Morgan, I'll make you a deal....I'll stop drinking when you put your foot down.

   I love Beer. I would marry Beer if I could. ''Do you, Beer, take me to be your awfully wetted wife....until a DUI do us part? I LOVE YOU, BEER!"

   Pouring milk on Doritos and pretending it's cereal isn't as good of an idea as I thought it would be.

   Failed my Politics exam. The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world." Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.

   There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy. The 1st is to take her shopping.. The rest is 69..

   Im tired.Ive just finished painting all the rocks in my garden white...Just in case my neighbour wants a snow ball fight later this week.

   WARNING if you get a message from me with a link asking you to look at my tinned meat DON'T OPEN IT.. its SPAM

   My life has a superb cast... I just can't figure out the plot.

   I think I'm getting the hang of these Facebook games. My mafia farm is doing quite nice.

   America should ban Thanksgiving until your National Gross Weight goes down

   Good news: I can breathe out of one nostril a little! Bad news: I sound like a tea kettle.

   My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

   I'm not mooning you. I'm turning the other cheek.

   Just drove past a hitchhiker I wish he had a better sign....

   Does TSA make housecalls?...or did I just get scammed?!

   Distance never separates two hearts that really care