Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when Pi Day falls on a Monday!

   March 14th the males alternative to Valentines Day... Look it up ladies Saltgrass is sounding good!!!!

   My son broke his Apple computer today and had the audacity to ask me to buy him a new one. I said, "Apples don't grow on f-kin trees you know!"

   My girlfriend said shes leaving me because I'm too reckless and keep taking stupid risks. I think that's what she said anyway. I was shaving my bollox with a chainsaw at the time.

   Hi. I'm probably on-line, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't message back, it's you

   this "by name" person needs a burning stick OR a red hot poker shoved up their izass

   This huge fat girl asked me how she looked in her short tight dress... I said PRECIOUS!

   "Who needs prostitutes when we have a government who screws us everyday and gets paid for it?"

   I will be a good girl..I will be a good girl..I will be good girl. O hell, we all know that won't happen.

   Life can be hard. Life can be fun. Life can be kind and life can be mean. Have the right attitude and life can be whatever you want it to be! Smile :)

   If you dont like me remember its mind over matter, I dont mind and you dont matter

   If we were in a locked room together,and there was two warewovles ,and I had a gun,with two silver bullets...I will soot you twice

   when you focus on problems, you will have more problems. When you focus on possibilities, you will have more opportunities.

   likes to take a marker pen and write 'Hammertime'' underneath the word ''Stop'' on stop signs

   You can't tell me to do that. It's like telling the NWA to stop being black.

   If I had to do it all over again, I'd have studied in school...OR tucked it like lady gaga and snorted everything like charlie sheen...society makes the ladder more appealing....

   A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey!

   Women. You can't live with 'em, and yet they're everywhere.

   Dear people: Stop drunk texting. Sincerely, Cell Phone Companies

   I started a new job, Going good so far, Working as a comedian in an old folks home, I tell them jokes, They don't understand me,They still piss themselves...