Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   as long as charlie sheen thinks he's winning, why can't can we just let him win?

   watching the Situation's comedy routine on Trump's Roast.. more like The Cancelation.

   Cop:Sir have you been drinking? Guy:Why is there a fat chick in the back? Cop:Sir are you drunk...? Guy:Why? IS there 2 fat chicks in the back!?

   Females who have multiple abortions should really start making it their business to swallow.

   Whoever at Comedy Central decided that they should allow The Situation to be a roast should be fired. His set was more painful than getting a three-fingered prostate exam!

   I found the key to success...however, I found a note from success's landlord saying that the locks have been changed.

   Sometimes what is said is not what is meant and what is meant is left unsaid.

   I was Home School Valedictorian!

   Please FB, if not permanently, then at least on April Fool's Day...when people poke me, make the button give a sudden loud buzz and frighten the crap out of them :)..x

   Irish I was a little bit taller, Irish I was a baller. Irish I had a girl who looked good I would call her.

   Sept. 11th (NY) ... Jan. 11th (HAITI) ... March 11th (JAPAN) .... Luke 21:10-11 : How many times do I have to see this? Hey wingnuts, get your dates right before you post !! Google Haiti's earthquake and check out the date! 12 Jan 2010 ( NOT 11 Jan).

   I wish google would stop saving my searches. My girlfriend googled Apples the other day and with just the letter A, Google suggested Asian Ass Porn.

   Life is a beach, I'm just playin' in the sand...

   Don't be fooled; foil has a tendencey to glitter more than gold..

   so the technology exists allowing us to watch TV and movies in 3-D or HD, but when it comes to security camera footage it still looks like it's being shot with the camera from Blair Witch Project."

   EVERYBODY needs to get their heads out of their @$$'s the world is not going to end next year! in 2000 they said that something was going to happen, and nothing EVER did!

   Am sorry but that Progessive Insurance chick " DISCOUNT !!! " .... ya her! she pretty hot !!

   I am a Social Drinker, and since facebook is a social network.... I drink while I am on it lol

   Before Snoop Dogg had his "foshizzle", Willy Wonka had his "Scrumdiddlyumptious" bar!

   Wives & girlfriends are temporary but ex-wives & ex-girlfriends last forever.