Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments or a court date.

   My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel.

   You can't hide redneck under a three piece suit

   Moms have "mothers day" Dads have "Fathers day" Lovers have "Valentines day" what do single men have?...Palm Sunday

   Having one of those days where I'm seriously considering swallowing a handcuff key....Just in case.

   Roses are unicorns, violets are green, welcome to the party, I'm Charlie Sheen.

   as a male I kinda get offended when a girl asks me to show her my abs ..Thats kinda like me asking a woman to show me her titts.

   Michael Jacksons twin sister died... R.I.P Elizabeth Taylor...

   as a male I get offended when a girl asks me if I have abs..thats kinda like me asking a woman what size are her titts ..

   In 2 years, the "situation" will change his name to the "cancellation" followed shortly by the "bankruptcy declaration"

   you know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg

   Elizabeth Taylor dead? I thought she had been dead for years.

   Qhaddafi has vowed to defeat the NATO forces. In support of his troops, he has issued them state of the art sling shots and water pistols.

   Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'

   Why is Obama so interested in "liberating" Libya anyways, is he planning a vacation there?

   When someone tries to shoot at Colonel Gadaffi,do his bodyguards need to shout 'Gadaffi duck' ?????

   I wonder if I'll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at every guy on the job and saying, “This thing is broken!!!” (for us females!!! :)

   I just found out there is an "acceptable" amount of radioactive iodine in water.

   for an erection lasting longer than 4 hours, call your friends, and brag about it!

   the blue book value on my car just tripled...I filled the gas tank!