Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just won 1st prize at the Halloween party for best costume which was male genitalia. I never even entered. I just went to pick up the wife and forgot to take off my bluetooth headset

   i heard a noise last night, so I got up and peered through the gap in the curtains and yep, sure enough, there she was just stepping into the bath.

   punched the devil in the face today :D or a kid in a costume, either way that motherfucker learnt not to come to my house asking for lollies :)

   My most meaningful conversations these days are with Siri

   Last women I hooked up with at the retirement home told me, "If you break it you buy it"! You know what that hip replacement cost me

   Farts are so funny...because you dont ever know what they're going to sound like.

   Ladies: Being attractive isn't a free pass to act like a witch.

   I say tomato, you say tomato. hahahahaha I know your laughing right now cuz you totally just read this with two pronunciations... lol

   thinking of stalking my stalker just to shake things up a bit

   One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I'm going to bed

   That yellow shirt looks good on you... It really brings out the color in your teeth.

   If you are single maybe it's not everyone else, maybe it's you!

   Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you have to do is stand and say “Hi my name is Tom and I am an alcoholic”.

   : No I have not gained weight, Your eyes just got fat

   handing out used motor oil, cottage cheese I left for out 3 days, Nick Punto Baseball cards, and Greek Bonds for Halloween tomorrow night. This should be the last year for a while that I have to deal with trick-or-treaters...

   right before I die I'm going to say " I left a million dollars in the.."

   Just thinking of how confusing it would be to all the little tricker treaters if I dressed up as santa for Halloween and handed out candy.....

   Halloween.. The only time of the year where it's ok to take candy from a stranger..

   so what are you going to be for halloween? well, I was thinking about being, well, intoxicated

   I'll be spending most of today putting Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations...