Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to legend, the only way to appease the volcano in Iceland is to sacrifice Miley Cyrus & Justin Bieber.

   Lady in labor, shouting the usual sh!t, “Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!” She turns to her boyfriend and says, “You did this to me, you f&cker!” He casually replies, “If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your a$$, but you said, ‘f&c

   Why was the blonde angry when she got her driver's license? Because she couldn't believe she had an F in sex.

   has been kidnapped by her bed, don't worry - should be able to break free in the morning ;)

     When did I realize I was God? Well I was praying, and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

   If God is inside us, then I hope he likes enchiladas

   "Gaga" = A Form Of Dodge Ball ..... Lady Gaga = Lesbian ..... Lesbian = Literally Dodges Balls ... Coincedence ? ... I think Not !

   if a funeral possession is at night, do people drive with their lights off???

   Still in bed, the kid asked me to come downstairs... said he wanted to show me something "totally awesome." If it's not a bacon tower, I'm gonna be pissed.

   -- People often offer me incentives to quit smoking such as ......"Think of all the money you'd save".........Surely that'd just be the money i'd need to survive my longer life ?...

   no one asked you what you think but its nice to know that you do!

   Mary had a little lamb the doctor fainted

   What's the right age to tell a highway he was adopted? Wont be long til he realizes he doesn't look anything like me

   Every time I step on my scale, it reads ERR. I think it's trying to change the subject.

   I was injured tap dancing. Broke my ankle when I fell into the sink.

   Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"...

   used to be an aethist. Then I found out I am God....

   You know what really gets on my nerves? Skin.

   Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb

   I should have taken the red pill. Damn.