The votes are in: The best status messages and tweets of 2014

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Posted by TJ on Sunday January 4, 2015 @ 10:55 PM
[Tags: toplist, status, humor]

Below are some of funniest status messages or tweets submitted in 2014. You can browse more funny status messages here: http://tjshome.com/statusmessages.php?f=&o=r&q=.

155080 X says If there's a "Mr." in front of your cat's name you're going to die alone. Submitted: 12-14-2014 03:26
155061 X I would describe my look today as "Open Casket" Submitted: 12-13-2014 15:48 by snotty
155317 X For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea's TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat... Submitted: 12-23-2014 13:47 by eengrms
155332 X says Attention Walmart shoppers... If you where on the bottom of the pyramid at cheer leading practice, you should not be wearing yoga pants. Thank You. Submitted: 12-24-2014 06:56 by MrSki
155288 X says This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear..... I'm just fat. Submitted: 12-22-2014 13:36 by SEAN
155055 X says In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can. Submitted: 12-13-2014 14:23 by Psycho
155103 X says My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he's attempting to get his hoodie back. He's in for one hell of a life lesson. Submitted: 12-15-2014 08:03 by Kisstopher707
155304 X says My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away Submitted: 12-23-2014 02:05
155370 X No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation. Submitted: 12-26-2014 12:19
155236 X The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit. Submitted: 12-19-2014 21:34
155397 X says if I was a cab driver I'd yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger Submitted: 12-27-2014 07:33 by flinnie
155078 X says Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked. Submitted: 12-14-2014 03:21 by Kisstopher707
155052 X says If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy. Submitted: 12-13-2014 13:11 by Baddie
155040 X says Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries". Submitted: 12-13-2014 07:32 by Baddie
155176 X Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"? Submitted: 12-18-2014 05:31 by Uncle Bubba
155059 X Does anybody else just assume that the new "Annie" movie ends with Annie getting adopted by Brad & Angelina? Submitted: 12-13-2014 15:44 by snotty
154372 X The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life... Submitted: 11-19-2014 19:47 by eengrms
155185 X says Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved Submitted: 12-18-2014 12:10
144103 X says "Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms... Submitted: 01-25-2014 13:24 by JEBI
154900 X I pride myself on being more tolerant than I really should be with the general public. With that being said, we are long overdue for another plague. Submitted: 12-08-2014 01:19 by phoenix1029
155081 X says My therapist says I'm paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts. Submitted: 12-14-2014 03:27
154081 X Buy a "World's Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss. Submitted: 11-06-2014 19:50 by Aaron
154438 X says My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me. Submitted: 11-23-2014 07:18 by huck
154770 X says Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks. Submitted: 12-03-2014 00:43
155063 X says This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half ass jingler. Submitted: 12-13-2014 17:06
149884 X Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn't made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back. Submitted: 06-05-2014 19:08 by snotty
155183 X I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough Submitted: 12-18-2014 09:08 by snotty
155038 X says People don't call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays. Submitted: 12-13-2014 06:46
152718 X says I always see more people walking into Sam's Club than out of Sam's Club, but the meat's cheap, so I don't ask questions. Submitted: 09-06-2014 12:41
151327 X says Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great Submitted: 07-18-2014 03:33 by flinnie
145857 X Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can't mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun. Submitted: 02-19-2014 18:44 by Jiffy Pop
153411 X says Sorry I invited the firefighters to your wedding, but I know a disaster when I see one. Submitted: 10-06-2014 02:36
154366 X says Male camel toe? Dude that's just nuts. Submitted: 11-19-2014 14:28
155192 X says You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer but you can't take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers? Submitted: 12-18-2014 16:58 by StonerDudee
150723 X Here's a little pro tip for ya, it doesn't have to be your birthday to buy a birthday cake. They'll just sell it to you no questions asked. Submitted: 06-26-2014 18:37 by John Y
155036 X says Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas. Submitted: 12-12-2014 23:33
152793 X says So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. Submitted: 09-09-2014 15:16 by Mark M
143895 X says Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on. Submitted: 01-20-2014 20:26 by flipphonescott
154690 X I'm astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year.. Submitted: 11-28-2014 15:45 by totalpackage
151035 X says I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches. Submitted: 07-08-2014 08:04
154571 X Dr. Huxtable was an OB/GYN with an office in his home basement. I mean, come on... Submitted: 11-25-2014 22:30 by eengrms
145765 X Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days... Submitted: 02-17-2014 20:47 by eengrms
155204 X says Christmas Gift idea: Take her to the Planetarium so she can see the world doesn't revolve around her. Submitted: 12-18-2014 23:48 by Baddie
151574 X says Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it Submitted: 07-28-2014 14:07 by Baddie
152712 X Million dollar idea: Vasectomy booth at Disney World exit. Submitted: 09-06-2014 09:43 by snotty
146011 X Laser tag is for pussies... "Taser tag", now thats a manly kinda sport. Submitted: 02-23-2014 15:40 by snotty
154584 X says Word of the Day: Eskihoe - A girl that wears UGG boots and a miniskirt at the same time. Submitted: 11-26-2014 11:37
143512 X says If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you Submitted: 01-11-2014 04:58
153539 X I only use 10% of my brain,,, because the other 90% is busy regretting saying "You too!" to the waiter after he said "Enjoy your meal." Submitted: 10-11-2014 07:30 by snotty
148969 X says Girls get away with wearing guys crap but wear one hair scrunchy and now the daughter says I can't pick her up from school anymore Submitted: 05-10-2014 10:36
148113 X We've all seen that person on Social Media who likes to debate things as if they are a college professor. Dude...you're arguing with someone who uses "dat" Submitted: 04-18-2014 19:57 by Goodeolboy
154679 X Which side of the plate does the phone go on? Submitted: 11-28-2014 12:38 by snotty
155033 X says Dear Santa don't drink the milk at Bill Cosby's house!!! Submitted: 12-12-2014 17:18 by @gnarleycharley
154406 X says Show me on this Fat Albert doll exactly where Bill Cosby touched you Submitted: 11-21-2014 08:53
153880 X says I put an "EBOLA QUARANTINE" sticker on my front door and now we don't have problems with salesmen, thieves, or neighbors. Submitted: 10-27-2014 20:58 by Mike
151810 X says I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested. Submitted: 08-05-2014 17:08 by Nipper
153105 X says Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next. Submitted: 09-22-2014 02:43
144100 X If the universe didn't want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn't have four slots on my toaster... Submitted: 01-25-2014 12:29 by eengrms
145725 X says There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter Submitted: 02-17-2014 05:24 by Huck
149093 X says If You Like Piña Colada's, and getting songs stuck in your head... Submitted: 05-13-2014 06:46 by Steve OH
151092 X says I just kicked an empty soda can and somehow scored a goal against Brazil. Submitted: 07-10-2014 05:17 by FLA PAULY
151036 X says Suing for $10,000,000 for being caught sleeping on camera??!! I gotta start napping at work again. Submitted: 07-08-2014 13:12
146429 X says Yes, those diamonds in your teeth are shiny, but your vocabulary is still limited and now you have a speech impediment. Submitted: 03-05-2014 12:49 by Kisstopher707
153131 X Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT! Submitted: 09-23-2014 10:58 by Daheavy1
151537 X says You really could help childhood obesity by eliminating school zone speed limits. Make those little chubsters run when they see a car coming. Submitted: 07-27-2014 11:55
147656 X Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire. Submitted: 04-06-2014 20:55 by MWC
You can browse thousands more of our funny status messages here: http://tjshome.com/statusmessages.php .