Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine…one, three, five, seven, nine.” I thought to myself, “How odd.”

   Can't wait for the iPhone 11 to come out that's the fastest phone I could get to check the same three apps thousand times a day.

   I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

   I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”

   I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.

   I really don’t understand why my neighbors have to be outside when I’m outside.

   Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

   No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.

   Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.

   They need to make realistic commercials for beds & mattresses. They always show a couple, never a guy with a dog asleep on his chest.

   My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

   A 2018 Harris Poll said Taco Bell was voted the best Mexican Restaurant in the U.S. This, Folks, is why we have the Electoral College.

   Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.

   "How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."

   Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

   I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.

   When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

   I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.

   My newly wed neighbor man asked me about marriage.... I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

   If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan