Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine…one, three, five, seven, nine.” I thought to myself, “How odd.”
←Rate | 09-14-2019 23:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can't wait for the iPhone 11 to come out that's the fastest phone I could get to check the same three apps thousand times a day.
←Rate | 09-14-2019 23:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”
←Rate | 08-25-2019 15:41 by PongLenis Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I really don’t understand why my neighbors have to be outside when I’m outside.
←Rate | 09-11-2019 00:56 by kisstoper707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They need to make realistic commercials for beds & mattresses. They always show a couple, never a guy with a dog asleep on his chest.
←Rate | 08-20-2019 12:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
←Rate | 09-10-2019 15:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A 2018 Harris Poll said Taco Bell was voted the best Mexican Restaurant in the U.S. This, Folks, is why we have the Electoral College.
←Rate | 08-31-2019 20:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.
←Rate | 08-14-2019 06:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
←Rate | 03-26-2018 14:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.
←Rate | 01-13-2019 12:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 02:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My newly wed neighbor man asked me about marriage.... I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:35 Comments (0)  

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