Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 1 of 5864

   messageicon I like to reassure my wife that even though I don't have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I'm a really loud screamer.
←Rate | 07-18-2019 10:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I opened the face app to make myself look old and it just booted up my GPS app and gave me directions to a mirror
←Rate | 07-17-2019 08:56 by WhyNot Comments (0)  

   messageicon [first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
←Rate | 07-18-2019 15:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Stop naming hospitals after dead people. I'm mean give us some hope? Where is the Keith Richards Memorial Hospital?
←Rate | 07-17-2019 07:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...
←Rate | 07-19-2019 10:06 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thanks to Facebook me and my friend's can now send each other invites and make plans months in advance like we're going on an expedition to the upper reaches of Mongolia to get together for a cup of coffee.
←Rate | 07-17-2019 21:50 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't need an Old Age app. I just need a mirror.
←Rate | 07-19-2019 10:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Took a step outside. Whew! Hotter than a Salma Hayek lap dance. I'm going back indoors.
←Rate | 07-19-2019 12:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was a kid, selfies used to be called narcissism.
←Rate | 06-17-2019 11:06 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry for writing "Everyone makes mistakes" in your wedding guestbook.
←Rate | 07-12-2019 14:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people's mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
←Rate | 07-10-2019 13:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Silver Lining: A 350 credit score prevents Identity theft! just saying
←Rate | 11-10-2018 22:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somebody clearly missed the opportunity of a lifetime when they called the game Mario Kart instead of Mario Speedwagon.
←Rate | 02-26-2019 11:04 by HotTea Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”
←Rate | 07-12-2019 22:18 by PosterBoy Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 08:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you work hard, save your money, go out and buy that expensive thing you've always wanted, then your lazy friend says "Must be nice."
←Rate | 02-26-2019 06:42 Comments (2)  

   messageicon I need a leaf blower, but for people.
←Rate | 09-06-2017 14:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Restaurant toilets are so dangerous. So many of my dates have gone there and never some back.
←Rate | 07-12-2019 09:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do recipes say to "preheat oven?" Shouldn't it just be "heat oven?"
←Rate | 02-21-2019 11:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever
←Rate | 04-13-2018 05:08 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left