Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How would you describe college? I’m teaching myself a class that I’m paying for.

   Dear weather app, I don’t need a blinking light informing me that the pollen is high when my car looks like a Cheeto.

   War is when they tell you who the enemy is. Revolution is when you figure it out for yourself.

   Might get crazy tonight and go to bed at 10 instead of 9.

   Deleting history has become more important than making it.

   Her: You remind me of the sea. Him: Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting? Her: No, because you make me sick.

   Wish I was a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, wake up beautiful.

   Want to get back on your feet? Miss two car payments.

   I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous.

   Acupuncture ~ proving that stabbing someone can make things better.

   Her: Is your stomach flat? Him: Yeah, just the “L” is silent.

   The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have now started asking humans to prove they are not a robot.

   You must’ve been born on the highway, that’s where a lot of accidents happen.

   An old-fashioned candy necklace, but with tums and ibuprofen.

   Dog 1 to dog 2: “Once in a while, pretend like you hear something they don’t…. it drives them crazy!”

   All I want to do is go outside, then inside, then outside, then inside. ~ The Dog

   Its not that I hate kids, i'm just following the instructions of every medicine bottle in my bathroom cabinet "Keep away from children"

   The same people who are candy to our eyes can be poison to our hearts. Study their ingredients before feeding them to your soul.

   I’ve spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house, but they still get in.

   T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. It's because of the small arms.