Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy stuff for some coffee.
←Rate | 09-20-2018 23:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I went to a wedding last night and they played “The Twist” so I twisted, next they played “Jump around “ so I jumped around. Next they played “Come on Eileen “ I think you know where this is going.
←Rate | 09-21-2018 23:06 by Meh! Comments (0)  


   messageicon i bought an awesome watch the other day, It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.
←Rate | 09-23-2018 23:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not the sort of person who is in a position to cast the first stone, but I sure as hell will cast the second one.
←Rate | 09-23-2018 18:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks.
←Rate | 09-24-2018 00:05 by gil Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never trust a person who doesn't sing along to Bohemian rhapsody when it comes on the radio!
←Rate | 09-23-2018 18:59 by Stevielea Comments (0)  


   messageicon First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-thru.
←Rate | 09-24-2018 08:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever I played the piano when I was a kid, my dog would howl. Eventually getting fed up with the dog's howling. My dad said for goodness sakes, can you play something the dog does't know.
←Rate | 09-23-2018 20:22 by Haha Comments (0)  


   messageicon There's a big difference between a wise guy and a wise man...
←Rate | 09-23-2018 23:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.
←Rate | 09-24-2018 08:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
←Rate | 09-20-2018 12:42 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale
←Rate | 03-28-2018 22:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:31 by @thecatwhisperer Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?
←Rate | 06-03-2018 14:11 by Jsabbage Comments (0)  


   messageicon The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
←Rate | 07-24-2018 21:01 by BobbyT Comments (0)  


   messageicon Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.
←Rate | 04-20-2018 01:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
←Rate | 07-29-2018 20:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.
←Rate | 09-17-2018 02:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.
←Rate | 09-17-2018 07:46 Comments (0)  


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