Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

   Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

   Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

   When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

   i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

   Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

   I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

   If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

   My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

   hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a Walmart men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

   87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed

   Look, all I know is none of this sh*t was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

   Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

   whoa they've gone way too far when they disarm Elmer Fudd

   It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.

   Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels

   it me or do the birds and critters seem so much louder now - like their taunting us?