Funny Status Messages for Facebook

X says In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-19-2013 11:02 by Czovczov Comments (0)

X My favorite hobby is to add my neighbors' wireless printer to my PC and print a document that says I'M INSIDE YOUR HOUSE AND COMING FOR YOU.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-09-2013 20:50 by HiYourJon Comments (0)

X says I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-16-2013 01:06 by Baddie Comments (0)

X says Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-07-2013 06:13 by flinnie Comments (0)

X According to my current parking spot I'm a physician

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-18-2013 18:58 by snotty Comments (0)

X is My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight. I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-09-2013 17:33 by StonerDudee Comments (0)

X After 31 free samples,, I decided I wasn't really in the mood for Baskin Robins

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-12-2013 15:37 by snotty Comments (1)

X No thank you GPS. I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger's seat who knows everything.

<--Rate | Submitted: 04-24-2013 20:50 by minnie haha Comments (0)

X says I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-11-2013 09:45 by Baddie Comments (0)

X I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-05-2013 12:32 by Aaron Comments (0)

X I just heard that the Japanese are going to clone a Woolly Mammoth discovered in Russia. Really Japan, really? Did you not learn anything from that time with Godzilla?

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-10-2013 13:20 by Mickey Comments (0)

X says When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-12-2013 07:32 by flinnie Comments (0)

X says First rule of cuddle club: It better lead to sex or you're out of the cuddle club

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-10-2013 02:42 Comments (0)

X is WebMD needs to add the question “Have you eaten Taco Bell today?” when asking about stomach-related symptoms.

<--Rate | Submitted: 04-05-2013 20:53 by BEGO Comments (0)

X is Dear girl in Walmart, Yes it is summer but your shirt and shorts are way too small and you look like a half opened can of biscuits. Sincerely, The guy in line behind you clawing out his eyeballs..

<--Rate | Submitted: 04-13-2013 07:04 by Michael askins Comments (0)

X says Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There's a nap for that.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-06-2013 16:16 Comments (0)

X is Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?

<--Rate | Submitted: 02-24-2013 22:08 by StonerDudee Comments (0)

X Wasn't able to sell our kitchen table on Craigslist, but we did get invited to 3 orgies and a donkey show

<--Rate | Submitted: 04-06-2013 15:00 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)

X says Just saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn't it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?

<--Rate | Submitted: 04-24-2013 16:07 by sully Comments (0)

X says I love how my George Foreman Grill separates the grease and fat, so I have something to dip my burger in.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-12-2013 10:26 Comments (0)