Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Disappointment is coming home to the smell of fresh bake cookies and finding out it's just a scented candel.

   Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.

   Silver Lining: A 350 credit score prevents Identity theft! just saying

   Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.

   it just me, or is anyone else finding it difficult to log on to dyslexics.moc?

   Celebrate Thanksgiving by giving people the bird.

   . Fun fact Smokey the bear's original name was Hotfoot Teddy.

   Some recipes are like science fiction. I read to the end and think "Well, that's not going to happen."

   I'm assuming lube is for people who can't spit.

   Thanks to synonyms, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty," both mean the same thing.

   Aggravation: Trying to get a vending machine to take a wrinkled dollar bill.

   Trump reminds me of Gaston from 'Beauty and the Beast', minus the muscles and good looks.

   I'm working hard to become free... I'm over half way through my Halloween candy already.

   A bumb found out he can roll 1 cigarette from 7 cigarette butts. If he found 49 butts, how many cigarettes can he make ?

   I think some of my friends are completely irrational and make bad decisions, and we should hang out more.

   Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button

   I'd just like to congratulate the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table! They're basically everywhere now!

   If I voted and didn’t take a picture, did I really vote?

   When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

   Remember me in your Prayers like you do in your Gossips.