Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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How many instruments must you be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
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08-15-2020 11:28
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The further a society
drifts from the truth,
The more it will hate
those who speak it...
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08-16-2020 11:23
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Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
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06-08-2018 18:19
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I’m really thankful I had a childhood before social media took over.
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11-30-2020 12:47
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My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
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08-10-2020 08:46
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Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome
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10-06-2020 08:40
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2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
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12-14-2020 09:18
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Out of all my body parts, my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 300 times a day...
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06-18-2020 13:05 by Gabe
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That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
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12-29-2017 07:57 by Funny
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I can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.
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11-28-2020 21:06
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No, things are not getting worse. They are just getting more obvious.
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07-19-2020 11:30
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ME: welcome to my man cave. PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
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09-08-2020 09:57
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I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
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10-09-2020 08:19
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My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...
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06-14-2020 09:45 by Gabe
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A lie doesn't become truth,
wrong doesn't become right,
and evil doesn't become good,
just because it's accepted
by a majority.
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07-23-2020 20:12
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87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed
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04-05-2020 07:07
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Distancing from people & not going out. Drinking too much coffee in the morning. Eating and smoking too much all day. Watching too much tv. Drinking too much at night. Then the pandemic struck.
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04-12-2020 15:33 by RoboGoon
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I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
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08-25-2020 08:37
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This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
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09-17-2020 08:47
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Having a non stick pan with a sticker stuck on it saying non stick pan is one of the reasons I don’t think humans deserve control over earth
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01-09-2019 01:37
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