Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
←Rate | 11-04-2019 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
←Rate | 11-04-2019 16:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...
←Rate | 11-07-2019 11:11 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like to flush the toilet a few times when I'm on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
←Rate | 11-04-2019 16:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
←Rate | 10-17-2019 05:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Look at me all out and about on a week night like some kind of rock star. Target Cashier: Credit or debit?
←Rate | 10-30-2019 00:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
←Rate | 11-12-2019 14:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it really necessary for the first square of a roll of toilet paper to be glued down?
←Rate | 11-01-2019 11:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I heard on the radio this morning that today is national skeptics day, but seeing as how I have no other source for that claim, I doubt it.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
←Rate | 11-11-2019 08:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember, when you sneeze and fart at the same time, it is just your body taking a screenshot.
←Rate | 11-13-2019 09:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All I need is to hear those 3 special words “Want a sandwich?”
←Rate | 10-17-2019 05:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 13:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night. Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?” Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
←Rate | 10-31-2019 12:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Shouldn't old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace
←Rate | 10-26-2019 09:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used to have a amazing social life, until some idiot talked to me into signing up for Facebook.
←Rate | 11-01-2019 12:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank] Why do you think people hate us so much? "Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks."
←Rate | 10-23-2019 15:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
←Rate | 10-09-2019 15:58 Comments (0)  

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