Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.

   Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.

   (Overheard from the other room) 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you eat all your supper? 8yo: No. Grandma: Just one then. 😂

   Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.

   Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

   Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”

   You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.

   My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.

   If it’s out of your hands, then it deserves freedom from your mind too.

   The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later.

   Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.

   Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.

   Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.

   Old computer games couldn’t be won, they just got harder and faster until you died. Just like in real life.

   When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.

   Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.

   If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?