Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.
←Rate | 01-12-2023 01:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.
←Rate | 01-07-2023 13:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon (Overheard from the other room) 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you eat all your supper? 8yo: No. Grandma: Just one then. 😂
←Rate | 01-23-2023 02:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.
←Rate | 01-09-2023 02:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.
←Rate | 01-09-2023 03:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If it’s out of your hands, then it deserves freedom from your mind too.
←Rate | 01-07-2023 12:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later.
←Rate | 01-07-2023 12:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 02:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.
←Rate | 01-07-2023 12:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.
←Rate | 01-07-2023 14:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 02:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Old computer games couldn’t be won, they just got harder and faster until you died. Just like in real life.
←Rate | 01-06-2023 18:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.
←Rate | 01-07-2023 13:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?
←Rate | 01-06-2023 01:31 Comments (0)  




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