Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to reassure my wife that even though I don't have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I'm a really loud screamer.

   I opened the face app to make myself look old and it just booted up my GPS app and gave me directions to a mirror

   [first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

   Stop naming hospitals after dead people. I'm mean give us some hope? Where is the Keith Richards Memorial Hospital?

   No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...

   Thanks to Facebook me and my friend's can now send each other invites and make plans months in advance like we're going on an expedition to the upper reaches of Mongolia to get together for a cup of coffee.

   I don't need an Old Age app. I just need a mirror.

   Took a step outside. Whew! Hotter than a Salma Hayek lap dance. I'm going back indoors.

   When I was a kid, selfies used to be called narcissism.

   Sorry for writing "Everyone makes mistakes" in your wedding guestbook.

   I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people's mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

   Silver Lining: A 350 credit score prevents Identity theft! just saying

   Somebody clearly missed the opportunity of a lifetime when they called the game Mario Kart instead of Mario Speedwagon.

   I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”

   "Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.

   When you work hard, save your money, go out and buy that expensive thing you've always wanted, then your lazy friend says "Must be nice."

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   Restaurant toilets are so dangerous. So many of my dates have gone there and never some back.

   Why do recipes say to "preheat oven?" Shouldn't it just be "heat oven?"

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever