Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

   Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.

   I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .

   I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.

   "I stubbed my toe today. I'm not ready to share photos yet but I will keep you guys updated daily." - probably Carrie Underwood

   Sure your baby's cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?

   I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.

   If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.

   Not to brag, but I have been referred to as "exhausting."

   We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.

   I stand by the unlikely threat I made when I thought you couldn’t hear me.

   ;) A mistress is someone between a mister and a mattress

   * The older I get the earlier it gets late.

   When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.

   If you think men are the stronger sex, watch a man react when the girlfriend says "what did you just say to me?"

   When my wife picks a restaurant that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.

   My wife is an animal in bed, a sloth..

   I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

   When I first heard of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians' I initially thought it was supposed to be a Star Trek show about the Klingon rivals...

   I make self-sabotage look like an art form.