Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy stuff for some coffee.

   I went to a wedding last night and they played “The Twist” so I twisted, next they played “Jump around “ so I jumped around. Next they played “Come on Eileen “ I think you know where this is going.

   i bought an awesome watch the other day, It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

   I'm not the sort of person who is in a position to cast the first stone, but I sure as hell will cast the second one.

   The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks.

   Never trust a person who doesn't sing along to Bohemian rhapsody when it comes on the radio!

   First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-thru.

   Whenever I played the piano when I was a kid, my dog would howl. Eventually getting fed up with the dog's howling. My dad said for goodness sakes, can you play something the dog does't know.

   There's a big difference between a wise guy and a wise man...

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.

   Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

   Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale

   The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.

   Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?

   The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.

   Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.

   I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.

   it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol.

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

   Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.