Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 1 of 5965

   messageicon Don't advertise "All You Can Eat" then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
←Rate | 01-12-2020 12:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
←Rate | 01-14-2020 06:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just so everyone knows: The bank shut down my debit card because it suspected fraudulent activity and the purchase I had to review was two tickets to see CATS
←Rate | 01-10-2020 06:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon *Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat* Join your brothers and sisters sweet child
←Rate | 01-14-2020 11:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The paleo diet is to eat only foods cavemen would have eaten. So, fruity pebbles, cocoa pebbles, the oatmeal with little dinosaur eggs, etc.
←Rate | 01-14-2020 11:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified... What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?
←Rate | 01-13-2020 06:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I don't think I can get through a day without my middle finger."
←Rate | 01-17-2020 20:16 by Starman Comments (0)  

   messageicon My concerns with anything having to do with the Royal Family ended in 1776.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 16:50 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...
←Rate | 10-11-2019 09:10 by Gabe Comments (1)  

   messageicon I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.
←Rate | 09-27-2019 22:35 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
←Rate | 11-04-2019 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Since I'm getting older I've been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or chain smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
←Rate | 01-13-2020 09:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What it all boils down to is evaporation.
←Rate | 01-09-2020 09:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you think your job is pointless there's a guy in Germany installing Turn Signals on BMWs.
←Rate | 10-31-2019 19:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...
←Rate | 11-07-2019 11:11 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: So, are you seeing anyone? Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
←Rate | 11-24-2019 06:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 11:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.
←Rate | 12-04-2019 12:21 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left