Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many instruments must you be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

   The further a society drifts from the truth, The more it will hate those who speak it...

   Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

   I’m really thankful I had a childhood before social media took over.

   My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

   Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome

   2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

   Out of all my body parts, my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 300 times a day...

   That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.

   I can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.

   No, things are not getting worse. They are just getting more obvious.

   ME: welcome to my man cave. PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

   I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

   A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority.

   87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed

   Distancing from people & not going out. Drinking too much coffee in the morning. Eating and smoking too much all day. Watching too much tv. Drinking too much at night. Then the pandemic struck.

   I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

   This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

   Having a non stick pan with a sticker stuck on it saying non stick pan is one of the reasons I don’t think humans deserve control over earth