Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just apologized to a chair for walking into it. Let's focus on my manners before you judge my sobriety.

   Hey Chicago...you can’t protest this one...the video speaks for itself!

   What’s it called when your hard work doesn’t pay off?

   Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."

   "Hi, I'm here to ruin your life" - Social media

   If it's alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?

   My friend's dog is tough. I interrogated him for over an hour and he still wouldn't tell me who's a good boy.

   Being ugly on the inside should change how you look on the outside.

   The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment. If you're attrative it's flirting.

   I’m not a sore loser, thanks to Vicodin.

   I love that "take out" means food, dating, and murder.

   Now that FIFA is over, it's time to get back to your own goals!

   They say two heads are better than one. Untill it's their baby.

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer? You smart people just grinned; didn't you?

   I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.

   You know you're getting old when you use the word "thingy" because you can't remember what things are called.

   Some days I survive, other days I don't. It's no big deal either way.

   Every time I get a kiss, I end up smelling like pepper spray....

   Whenever Trump's supporters come across an actual fact that proves Trump wrong, they immediately label it Fake News.

   Planning a trip to Australia..I was asked if I had a criminal record?..I didn't know you still needed one?