Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”

   All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   Feeling sad today…. Can everyone please send cute photos of your credit cards front and back?

   Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again.

   Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.

   Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.

   Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

   You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.

   Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.

   Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.

   You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way of being cool. This is called the Geezer’s Paradox.

   Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.

   Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.

   Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   One way to be hospitable, is to help visitors know when it’s time to leave.

   You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.

   Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!