Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't advertise "All You Can Eat" then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

   Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

   Just so everyone knows: The bank shut down my debit card because it suspected fraudulent activity and the purchase I had to review was two tickets to see CATS

   *Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat* Join your brothers and sisters sweet child

   The paleo diet is to eat only foods cavemen would have eaten. So, fruity pebbles, cocoa pebbles, the oatmeal with little dinosaur eggs, etc.

   I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified... What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?

   "I don't think I can get through a day without my middle finger."

   My concerns with anything having to do with the Royal Family ended in 1776.

   You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...

   I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.

   No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.

   I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.

   Since I'm getting older I've been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or chain smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?

   The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

   What it all boils down to is evaporation.

   If you think your job is pointless there's a guy in Germany installing Turn Signals on BMWs.

   Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...

   Her: So, are you seeing anyone? Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

   I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

   And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.