Funny Status Messages for FacebookThousands of statuses to update your Funny Facebook Status, Twitter status, or profile.
Filter On | Filter Off
X says In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
X My favorite hobby is to add my neighbors' wireless printer to my PC and print a document that says I'M INSIDE YOUR HOUSE AND COMING FOR YOU.
X says I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
X says Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
X According to my current parking spot I'm a physician
X is My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight. I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
X After 31 free samples,, I decided I wasn't really in the mood for Baskin Robins
X No thank you GPS. I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger's seat who knows everything.
X says I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
X I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
X I just heard that the Japanese are going to clone a Woolly Mammoth discovered in Russia. Really Japan, really? Did you not learn anything from that time with Godzilla?
X says When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.
X says First rule of cuddle club: It better lead to sex or you're out of the cuddle club
X is WebMD needs to add the question “Have you eaten Taco Bell today?” when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
X is Dear girl in Walmart, Yes it is summer but your shirt and shorts are way too small and you look like a half opened can of biscuits. Sincerely, The guy in line behind you clawing out his eyeballs..
X says Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There's a nap for that.
X is Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
X Wasn't able to sell our kitchen table on Craigslist, but we did get invited to 3 orgies and a donkey show
X says Just saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn't it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
X says I love how my George Foreman Grill separates the grease and fat, so I have something to dip my burger in.