Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   Twenty years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.

   Going outside to vacuum the driveway. I do this every so often... just to ensure the neighbors never talk to me...

   "It wasn’t me" - First rule of fart club

   My therapist told me I need to take the time to find myself. Took me all of 5 minutes. There was a mirror in the bathroom. Who's the smart one now Doc?

   If lost in the woods, build a shelter. The tax man will be there shortly.

   I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

   A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you "Notice anything different about my hair?"

   Don’t let anyone else ruin your day. It’s YOUR day, ruin it yourself.

   Sometimes you meet someone, and you know from the first moment that you want to spend your whole life without them.

   I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

   I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...

   The CDC just announced that you can stop wearing socks with your sandals.

   At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

   If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me.

   When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   The further a society drifts from the truth, The more it will hate those who speak it...

   I'm starting to worry that I can't stab someone in front of a cop without getting shot