Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.
←Rate | 02-26-2021 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Twenty years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.
←Rate | 06-07-2021 03:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Going outside to vacuum the driveway. I do this every so often... just to ensure the neighbors never talk to me...
←Rate | 12-05-2020 10:08 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon "It wasn’t me" - First rule of fart club
←Rate | 04-08-2018 13:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My therapist told me I need to take the time to find myself. Took me all of 5 minutes. There was a mirror in the bathroom. Who's the smart one now Doc?
←Rate | 04-06-2021 19:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If lost in the woods, build a shelter. The tax man will be there shortly.
←Rate | 05-28-2021 02:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
←Rate | 10-12-2020 08:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you "Notice anything different about my hair?"
←Rate | 10-20-2019 09:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don’t let anyone else ruin your day. It’s YOUR day, ruin it yourself.
←Rate | 04-22-2021 06:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes you meet someone, and you know from the first moment that you want to spend your whole life without them.
←Rate | 06-06-2021 04:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
←Rate | 08-07-2020 08:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...
←Rate | 06-05-2020 08:17 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon The CDC just announced that you can stop wearing socks with your sandals.
←Rate | 06-06-2021 04:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.
←Rate | 04-13-2018 07:55 Comments (1)  

   messageicon A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.
←Rate | 07-06-2020 12:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me.
←Rate | 02-20-2019 12:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."
←Rate | 07-12-2020 09:10 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The further a society drifts from the truth, The more it will hate those who speak it...
←Rate | 08-16-2020 11:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm starting to worry that I can't stab someone in front of a cop without getting shot
←Rate | 04-21-2021 22:14 Comments (0)  

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