Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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At the store: “OMG haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s stand in everyone’s way!”
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07-01-2022 01:46
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The best zoom calls are the ones where a pet makes a cameo like Stan Lee in one of the Marvel movies.
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07-03-2022 06:37
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When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.
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06-24-2022 23:15
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My wife was sad, so I showed her my boobs. Apparently, that doesn’t work both ways.
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06-09-2022 01:44
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Son: “Dad, there’s a monster in my room, can I sleep in here?” Dad: Look, it’s you he’s after, why make it my problem too.
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06-09-2022 01:43
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I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.
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06-24-2022 23:16
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I’m tired of working on myself. From now on, I’m going to be unapologetically insane.
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06-24-2022 23:16
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Studies show that cats understand human commands, but don’t care to follow them.
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06-10-2022 01:44
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Heads up guys, there are some real weirdos in this group. Someone messaged me to meet them in the woods for a naked Satanic ritual and then they didn’t even show up.
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06-16-2022 03:21
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Caller ID isn’t enough for me. I need to know why you’re calling.
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06-16-2022 03:23
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If Satan ever lost his hair, there would be hell toupee.
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06-11-2022 01:43
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Dating in 2022 be like: Find someone who also can’t afford rent alone. It won’t be hard.
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06-16-2022 03:21
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Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if it knew its descendant would turn out to be a Pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.
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06-14-2022 02:54
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Are you free tomorrow? Her: No, I’m expensive.
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06-08-2022 01:38
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The CDC now recommends wearing your mask as a blindfold while pumping gas.
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06-14-2022 03:00
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I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”
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06-16-2022 03:18
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How to escape the matrix: Step one, turn off your television.
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06-11-2022 01:54
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Hangovers are temporary. Drunk stories are forever.
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06-11-2022 01:42
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Her: You’re so childish, I’m leaving you. Him: Good luck with that, the floor is lava.
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06-15-2022 01:37
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If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.
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06-16-2022 03:19
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