Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.

   Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.

   It’s called gross pay, because it’s disgusting to see what you could’ve made.

   When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.

   Once you carry your own water, you’ll learn the value of every single drop.

   Quiz question: Would you rather be stuck on an island all alone or with someone you hate, and why? Answer: I would rather be stuck on an island with someone I hate, so I would have something to eat.

   My wish for 2023 is that nothing unprecedented, historic, or once in a lifetime happens.

   Gonna start a page called Older Fans, where it’s just me telling everyone what hurts today and what miniscule task I was doing that caused the pain. Today it’s: My back ~ The rain.

   Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.

   To all 6 of you who like my posts, I do it all for you.

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   If it’s out of your hands, then it deserves freedom from your mind too.

   Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.

   Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.

   Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

   Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.

   The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later.

   Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.

   Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.