Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At the store: “OMG haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s stand in everyone’s way!”

   The best zoom calls are the ones where a pet makes a cameo like Stan Lee in one of the Marvel movies.

   When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.

   My wife was sad, so I showed her my boobs. Apparently, that doesn’t work both ways.

   Son: “Dad, there’s a monster in my room, can I sleep in here?” Dad: Look, it’s you he’s after, why make it my problem too.

   I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.

   I’m tired of working on myself. From now on, I’m going to be unapologetically insane.

   Studies show that cats understand human commands, but don’t care to follow them.

   Heads up guys, there are some real weirdos in this group. Someone messaged me to meet them in the woods for a naked Satanic ritual and then they didn’t even show up.

   Caller ID isn’t enough for me. I need to know why you’re calling.

   If Satan ever lost his hair, there would be hell toupee.

   Dating in 2022 be like: Find someone who also can’t afford rent alone. It won’t be hard.

   Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if it knew its descendant would turn out to be a Pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   Are you free tomorrow? Her: No, I’m expensive.

   The CDC now recommends wearing your mask as a blindfold while pumping gas.

   I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”

   How to escape the matrix: Step one, turn off your television.

   Hangovers are temporary. Drunk stories are forever.

   Her: You’re so childish, I’m leaving you. Him: Good luck with that, the floor is lava.

   If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.