Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
←Rate | 01-20-2022 09:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Figured out why woman love serial killer documentaries so much. They’re about men who are dedicated, they have a plan, and are full of surprises.
←Rate | 01-24-2022 04:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.
←Rate | 02-26-2021 08:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
←Rate | 10-13-2019 17:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
←Rate | 07-08-2020 12:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Twenty years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.
←Rate | 06-07-2021 03:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If lost in the woods, build a shelter. The tax man will be there shortly.
←Rate | 05-28-2021 02:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me.
←Rate | 02-20-2019 12:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you find out she’s a little crazy, but now you like her even more.
←Rate | 07-28-2021 03:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We lost our culture around the time we stopped smoking Marlboro Reds and started vaping strawberry cheesecake.
←Rate | 10-01-2021 04:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...
←Rate | 06-05-2020 08:17 by Gabe Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m vaccinated, but I still want you to stay away from me.
←Rate | 08-05-2021 17:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon After six months of listening to people talk with masks on, I finally understand what Charlie Brown’s teacher was saying
←Rate | 09-12-2020 20:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 15:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Started a new diet, nothing but baked beans and prune juice for the next nine weeks.
←Rate | 08-28-2021 21:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m so competitive, I don’t let anyone ruin my life more than I do.
←Rate | 08-02-2021 05:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My therapist told me I need to take the time to find myself. Took me all of 5 minutes. There was a mirror in the bathroom. Who's the smart one now Doc?
←Rate | 04-06-2021 19:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon “It will be celebrated with pomp and parade, bonfires and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other.” ~ John Adams
←Rate | 07-04-2021 06:39 Comments (0)  




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