Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon At the store: “OMG haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s stand in everyone’s way!”
←Rate | 07-01-2022 01:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best zoom calls are the ones where a pet makes a cameo like Stan Lee in one of the Marvel movies.
←Rate | 07-03-2022 06:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.
←Rate | 06-24-2022 23:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife was sad, so I showed her my boobs. Apparently, that doesn’t work both ways.
←Rate | 06-09-2022 01:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Son: “Dad, there’s a monster in my room, can I sleep in here?” Dad: Look, it’s you he’s after, why make it my problem too.
←Rate | 06-09-2022 01:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.
←Rate | 06-24-2022 23:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m tired of working on myself. From now on, I’m going to be unapologetically insane.
←Rate | 06-24-2022 23:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Studies show that cats understand human commands, but don’t care to follow them.
←Rate | 06-10-2022 01:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Heads up guys, there are some real weirdos in this group. Someone messaged me to meet them in the woods for a naked Satanic ritual and then they didn’t even show up.
←Rate | 06-16-2022 03:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Caller ID isn’t enough for me. I need to know why you’re calling.
←Rate | 06-16-2022 03:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If Satan ever lost his hair, there would be hell toupee.
←Rate | 06-11-2022 01:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dating in 2022 be like: Find someone who also can’t afford rent alone. It won’t be hard.
←Rate | 06-16-2022 03:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if it knew its descendant would turn out to be a Pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.
←Rate | 06-14-2022 02:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Are you free tomorrow? Her: No, I’m expensive.
←Rate | 06-08-2022 01:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The CDC now recommends wearing your mask as a blindfold while pumping gas.
←Rate | 06-14-2022 03:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”
←Rate | 06-16-2022 03:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How to escape the matrix: Step one, turn off your television.
←Rate | 06-11-2022 01:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hangovers are temporary. Drunk stories are forever.
←Rate | 06-11-2022 01:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: You’re so childish, I’m leaving you. Him: Good luck with that, the floor is lava.
←Rate | 06-15-2022 01:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.
←Rate | 06-16-2022 03:19 Comments (0)  

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