Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon When I was a kid, the term "gaslighting" didn't involve playing mind games. It involved a Bic lighter and farting.
←Rate | 09-22-2021 11:48 by Ef-Az-Zzee Comments (0)  


   messageicon Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
←Rate | 09-14-2021 02:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dirty talk, but you both use your customer service voice.
←Rate | 09-05-2021 19:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.
←Rate | 02-26-2021 08:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m so competitive, I don’t let anyone ruin my life more than I do.
←Rate | 08-02-2021 05:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some people won’t admit their faults. I would, if I had any.
←Rate | 07-29-2021 05:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m vaccinated, but I still want you to stay away from me.
←Rate | 08-05-2021 17:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Started a new diet, nothing but baked beans and prune juice for the next nine weeks.
←Rate | 08-28-2021 21:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want my paychecks in pennies so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.
←Rate | 07-30-2021 06:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon “The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” ~ Mark Twain
←Rate | 09-11-2021 16:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Technically, it's a Silver Alert. But yeah.
←Rate | 09-04-2021 11:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
←Rate | 09-14-2021 02:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon As I was getting into bed she said "You're drunk." I said "Why do you think that?" She said "Because you live next door."
←Rate | 09-11-2021 23:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tradition (n.) Peer pressure from dead people.
←Rate | 08-05-2021 04:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do you believe in the “here after?” Then you know what I’m here after.
←Rate | 08-03-2021 20:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I owned a taser, I’d probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself… and that’s why I don’t own a taser.
←Rate | 07-28-2021 02:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Have you ever been too nice and ended up in a situation that you could have avoided by just being an a$$h*le?
←Rate | 07-28-2021 02:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you find out she’s a little crazy, but now you like her even more.
←Rate | 07-28-2021 03:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’ve got bitemarks all over my tongue from all the things that I didn’t say.
←Rate | 07-28-2021 02:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I had an Australian Accent, I would never shut up.
←Rate | 09-05-2021 19:19 Comments (0)  




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