Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

   Figured out why woman love serial killer documentaries so much. They’re about men who are dedicated, they have a plan, and are full of surprises.

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

   Twenty years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.

   If lost in the woods, build a shelter. The tax man will be there shortly.

   If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me.

   Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.

   When you find out she’s a little crazy, but now you like her even more.

   We lost our culture around the time we stopped smoking Marlboro Reds and started vaping strawberry cheesecake.

   I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...

   I’m vaccinated, but I still want you to stay away from me.

   After six months of listening to people talk with masks on, I finally understand what Charlie Brown’s teacher was saying

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.

   For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours

   Started a new diet, nothing but baked beans and prune juice for the next nine weeks.

   I’m so competitive, I don’t let anyone ruin my life more than I do.

   My therapist told me I need to take the time to find myself. Took me all of 5 minutes. There was a mirror in the bathroom. Who's the smart one now Doc?

   “It will be celebrated with pomp and parade, bonfires and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other.” ~ John Adams