Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid, the term "gaslighting" didn't involve playing mind games. It involved a Bic lighter and farting.

   Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

   Dirty talk, but you both use your customer service voice.

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   I’m so competitive, I don’t let anyone ruin my life more than I do.

   Some people won’t admit their faults. I would, if I had any.

   I’m vaccinated, but I still want you to stay away from me.

   Started a new diet, nothing but baked beans and prune juice for the next nine weeks.

   I want my paychecks in pennies so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.

   “The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” ~ Mark Twain

   Technically, it's a Silver Alert. But yeah.

   My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

   As I was getting into bed she said "You're drunk." I said "Why do you think that?" She said "Because you live next door."

   Tradition (n.) Peer pressure from dead people.

   Do you believe in the “here after?” Then you know what I’m here after.

   If I owned a taser, I’d probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself… and that’s why I don’t own a taser.

   Have you ever been too nice and ended up in a situation that you could have avoided by just being an a$$h*le?

   When you find out she’s a little crazy, but now you like her even more.

   I’ve got bitemarks all over my tongue from all the things that I didn’t say.

   If I had an Australian Accent, I would never shut up.