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They need to make a pop tart without all the crust 
The hardest thing in life is letting go of what you thought was real.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
We live in a society that's the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
The American Music Awards are so predictable... I didn't win a single award again this year...
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
I guess it's time to face the reality that I just do not want to rock and roll all night. Nor do I wish to party eva-ree day.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know
It's so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you're just playing.
I just read that Kim K is taking some "time off work be with her daughter" but she doesn't have a job so now I'm confused
Preferred Forms of Contact (In Order): 1) Email 2) Text 3) Social Media 4) Group Message 5) entering My Shower in a "Scream" Mask 6) Phone
Cougar sightings in my neighborhood over the past couple days... I'm going to lay out a trap in my yard with Journey's 'Greatest Hits' and a nice cabernet.
Sometimes when I tag someone in a pic I whisper "you're it."
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can't change a tire for sh*t.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
It’s so nice outside, I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
Just watched an entire TV show without being on my phone just like they did on the Mayflower.
The Middle East and Kim Kardashian's a$$ have a lot in common. Both are massive, have tons of oil, and have been invaded by the West. 