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I'm in my 30's, but I still feel like I'm in my 20's until I hang out with people in their 20's and I'm like, "nope, I'm in my 30's" 
I'm surprised more killers haven't lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo
My family tree is a cactus,,,,,, Yeah, we're mostly pricks.
If you love something, set it free... If it returns, it probably can't pay its student loans.
Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle............ * A Cramp Stamp
Let's be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
If you think my status upd@tes are ridiculous, you should see my life choices.
Ladies, holding out on sex with your man to get what you want will not work. He will just take longer showers.
I hate vans. Nothing good ever comes out of them. Kidnappers... Terrorists... Soccer moms.
I'm in one of those weird marriages where we still have sex every day.. With each other!
Fast way to MESS up someones Knock Knock joke? "It's open."
Dear Statefarm Insurane Advertising Team, It's time to re-invent yourself thanks.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I have to assume these next four weeks are incredibly difficult for anyone whose grandma actually was run over by a reindeer.
The only part I believed in the movie Titanic was when she wouldn't move her fat ass over and let Jack on the raft with her.
Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese , virgin = too good , non-virgin = slut , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. You can never please society
The only way your world is ending on the 21st is if you get married that day.
Beauty tip: Having a bad hair day? Solution: Wear a low cut blouse.
Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you apologize when she is the one who is clearly in the wrong.
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