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I hope they gave this year's Nobel Prize to the dude who invented Yoga Pants. 
Did you ever notice all the people in casino commercials are young, attractive and not in need of oxygen?
R.I.P. Andy Griffith..........There's a new sheriff in town!
I was seeing a therapist for trust issues, but I had to quit going when I found out he was seeing other patients.
Dont lose the girl of your life, for the hoe of the night.
"Oh, I already have that one." Is a good thing to say when someone shows you a picture of their kid
i just spelled a word so incorrectly that spell check just enrolled me back into school
My greatest fear on Monday is greeting someone and asking someone how their weekend went and they actually telling me every mundane details about it.
just finishing up my taxes and am now a little worried about my tax software. It just recommended I slip across the border into Mexico.
Why isn't cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
█████ government ███ is ███ your █ friend ████. Trust ██ us ███ to ██████████ know ██ ████ what's ██ best ████ for ██████████ you ██.
Tip of the day: Don't piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
If you don't believe we're degenerating into a world of illiterates, just read a few pages of this board.
Time heals all wounds. Except sucking chest wounds. You should see a doctor about that.
Man, kids really do ask some tough questions. One just came up to me and said “what’s Nicolas Cage’s worst film?” I mean how do you even answer that?
Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
eHarmony just matched me with a gloryhole at a truck stop outside of Billings, Montana. I think this may be the one, guys.
"And that's why we can't have nice things." *me looking at my pay check
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