Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

   I'm just sitting here thinking of all the absolutely incredible things that I could accomplish this year. That is, of course, if I gave a sh/t....

   When I post a good status message that gets lots of comments, I feel like I just rode a bull for 8 seconds at the rodeo

   Attention bullies: if you're looking for lunch money, there are tons of nerds hoarding around outside Apple Stores right now.

   In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

   Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.

   They call it "Cash for Gold" because "Cash for all the Sh*t You Stole to Support Your Meth Habit" didn't have the same ring to it.

   After a lightbulb burns out, I always have to shake it to make sure that it is truly, burned out, and that it is not playing some kind of lightbulb joke on me.

   Scientists say we use only 10% of our brain. Imagine how much better the world would be if we started using the other 60%.

   The dude who invented the high-five must've been left hangin like 90 percent of the time that first year.

   Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for Belgian beer, then going home to sit on Swedish furniture, watching American shows on a Japanese TV.

   Labor Day was canceled because too many people couldn't remember what it was like to have a job :)

   Have you ever woke up in the morning wanting to smack someone for NO apparent reason?

   Dear Man Next To Me: You might want to turn down your iPod, because everyone in the room can tell you're listening to "Party In The USA" even though you don't think they can.

   Since M&M's have been saturating the market with various different types of flavors and centers, here's an idea for them: put mini M&M's inside regular ones and voilà! M&M's Pregnants.

   Got my Halloween costume- Snookie! I will wear clothes 5 sizes too small, paint my body umpa loompa orange, walk around half naked, drunk and obnoxious.

   sleeps well with others

   A save electricity sign: "Don't you hate it when someone turns you on, and then just leaves?"

   It's racial profiling when a waiter in a Chinese restaurant gives me a fork.

   Sorry I can't go out tonight, I can't find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.