Funny Status Messages

   Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.

   Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

   Rihanna filed a restraining order against a man for breaking into her house. I assume when all of this blows over she'll make him a key.

   Cubic Zirconium's slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!

   Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.

   I just yawned on the bus and two dudes gave me their phone numbers.

   maybe the Mayans were referring to the Twinkiepocalypse.

   I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential...

   I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights....just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he's getting hit by a train.

   the refrigerator is a clear example that what matters is whats inside

   Due to those 5 extra minutes of sleep I got because of the snooze button I'm not even tired anymore --Said no one ever!

   Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.

   I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.

   How to tie the strongest knot ever? Step 1: Put your headphones in your pocket. Step 2: Wait 1 minute.

   One day, the fridge will take revenge on me,.. Every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes and then walk away.

   After opening this month's electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.

   Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you'll finally have 2 kids by the same father."

   I've counted 8 people so far whose New Year's resolutions include "loose weight". Can I add spelling to your list too?

   Dear Shirtless Guy in his Profile Pic, You REALLY want to impress girls? Get a job & pose in front of your cubicle.

   The U.S. men's soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics this week,,,,, upsetting nearly 10 Americans.