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You lost your phone because it was on silent? That's too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it. 
Fun thing to do #78 When you order a Coke and the waiter asks, "Is Pepsi okay?" shout "WHAT AM I, AN ANIMAL?"
You say stalker, I say dedicated. You say psycho, I say nothing says I love you like a severed cat head.
My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.
It's Cyber Sex Monday :)
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights
If ladies were labeled heroes instead of sluts for sleeping around too much, us guys would be having a lot more sex. Someone screwed up here.
Hey can I borrow a pencil? "Yeah but it doesn't have an eraser" "Life doesn't have an eraser" "That was deep man.."
Just found my child-hood Etch-a sketch. My first lap-top.
Just loaned my friend $10,000 to get a face lift. Now I can't get my money back because I don't know what he looks like.
If your name is on your shirt, you are considered lower class. If it's on the door where you work you're middle class. If it's on the building, upper class(looks at shirt) Crap!!!
The truth shall set you free. Unless its from an incriminating witnessed then you're screwed!
Snoop Dog carries an umbrella!!!! Fo Drizzle...
My wife asked me "when youre on a boys weekend do you think of me?" apparently 'only to stop me coming too soon' was the wrong answer!
"What's the point of winning all these golden covered Grammys if there isn't chocolate in the middle?" - Adele
I wish the dollar store sold sex.
Hey get the joke right, it should be: The Dali lama walks into a pizza joint the cashier says can I help you and the Dali says make me one with everything,
Found out my father is voting for Hillary, which is strange since he died in 2004
I'd like to cancel my 6 week trial of socialism please...
Can bone spurs keep you out of prison? 