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That dolphin tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 18, Now it looks like a used condom!
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07-13-2012 03:42
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I'd be willing to bet that the gambling addiction hotline would work better if every fifth caller was a winner.
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04-13-2017 08:44 by
MK
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If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
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08-11-2016 18:22 by
Snotty
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I wouldn't make it very long as a tattoo artist because I would always be asking "You're kidding me, right, you want that?"
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05-13-2013 19:15 by
StonerDudee
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Before the Facebook, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life.
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05-18-2013 09:31
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My favorite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
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05-26-2013 08:06 by
Huck
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I'm white, but not go to a yard sale at 7am to get all the "good stuff" white...
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06-16-2013 09:59
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What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
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06-25-2013 13:07
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Lawyer: "You've been released!" Aaron Hernandez: "Great, so I can go home?" Lawyer: "Shìt, sorry. I mean you've been released by the Pats."
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06-26-2013 13:11 by
HiYourJon
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Everyone else's plans for pretty weekends: "I'm going to the lake" "I'm hanging at the pool" "We're going to the park for a picnic" And I'm just over here like "I'm gonna eat a waffle."
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06-29-2013 12:02 by
DeeX
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Tip for Egypt's next president: get rid of Tahrir square.
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07-05-2013 12:40
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Married sext: I'll remember to bring my Tupperware home from work today.
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07-07-2013 10:37
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I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
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07-19-2013 08:18
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in China they are reporting that weiner has lost the erection...
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07-30-2013 15:07
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I was having breakfast at a friend's house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
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08-01-2013 06:24
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Never take financial advice from someone that has paid for a ringtone.
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08-17-2013 13:15
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i will never buy a foam finger again !
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08-26-2013 19:58 by
flipphonescott
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I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
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08-30-2013 09:16 by
Aaron
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Why don't television shows say, "You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?"
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09-04-2012 13:02 by
Marshall the Great
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I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I'd like whipped cream on it.
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09-19-2012 21:16 by
BEGO
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